Lately, yes, I have/do feel ashamed to have done and still do drugs. I find it all the more compelling and, I don’t wanna say depressing, but ….depressing; that after about 12-13 years I still can’t get a decent job, a safe place to live nor can I get the respect I want for having come out the other side of a long time’s worth of drug induced mental health issues, on top of underlying issues. I know it my own fault and I have noone to blame, but I feel that nowadays, kids are getting into shit they are not gonna comprehend too well later in life, I still can’t comprehend some of the shit I did/said on drugs, fuck.
I don’t think it’s just a case of saying ‘do you feel regret’, as in, asking yourself; because I really think that everyone does, whether it’s repressed or open regret, I personally think it is there but in varying amounts and at different point in one’s life; but asking it 3rd person, or even on an existential level, asking, ‘what have drugs done for me?’ or, even better, ‘why did I do them, and why do I continue to do them?’.
The main issue I find with myself is that I’ve left the drug scene, done with that totally, no more, tired of it, but now I’ve slipped into ‘pub life’, in the most literal of meanings, I spend on average, more time in the pub p/w than most people spend at work. I drink from say 2-3pm until 2-3am everyday, monday to monday, and I can really feel the affects it’s having on me, I wake with pain in my sides, and I’ve begun to notice a very slight tremor in my right hand. I’ve recently been set free from the mental health service after being sectioned, had a multiple assessments and all have been a waste of time, as the assesser either can’t speak english or doesn’t understand my way of speak/speech pattern. Which has left me in just as shitty place as where I was with drugs, now I know booze is a drug, one of the worst, but, I don’t understand how I’ve allowed myself to be ‘lulled’ hook line and sinker into this lifestyle.
I’m spending some time at my parents house for a few days, just get the hell away from everything, neither of them drink, nor smoke, nor stay up late. I need there structured lifestyle in my life so I can actually move forward, because all I’ve been doing for the past 12 years is floating around in a great big circle going nowhere fast.
Do I feel regret or ashamed to have done what I done in my life, drug wise?
Yes, yes I do. But more ashamed I let myself do what I did, that’s what hurt most.
