When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
“Hello.” I Politely said, “This is David. Could I please speak with
Robert Campbell ?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f*kin
number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the ‘wrong’
number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re a C*nt!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘C*nt’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ” You’re a C*nt!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
‘C*nt’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and
said,”Hi,this is John Smith from BT . I’m calling to see if you’re
familiar with our Caller ID Program?”
He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a C*nt!”
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt ( I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the Land Rover
C*nt, too. I said, “Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover
for sale?”
Yes, it is”, he said. “Can you tell me where I can see it?” I
asked.”Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It’s a terraced
house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Steve Hansen,”
he said. “When’s a good time to catch you, Steve?”
“I’m home most days as I’m currently unemployed.”
“Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Steve, you’re a C*nt!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called C*nt #1. Hello.” “You’re a C*nt!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Steve Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my
gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Steve.
And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, C*nt,” and hung up.
Then I called C*nt #2. “Hello?” he said.
“Hello, C*nt,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll do what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your arse,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, C*nt, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going
down in Alice Street, Ilford .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there
just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in
front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works :groucho:
