1, OPENING JARS – nnnnngg, she’s struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn’t. Jars are men’s work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ – Especially policeman
but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE – Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the
ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE –
Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, you
think I can’t whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP – A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
– as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish – noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP – Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you’re hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD – in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR – Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt”. “Nah”.
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE – When birds have been partying
they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of
your hardness, sprouting from your face. “Big night?” Grr, what does
it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS – A moments eye contact is all it takes for you
to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”,
it says, “but someone’s got to keep the little scrotes in line”.
11, USING POWER TOOLS – slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR –
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car
alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE… and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean
you’re popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest
of the pub doesn’t know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST – and saying “are you a leg or breast man” to
the blokes and “do you want stuffing” to the women. Congratulations,
you are now your dad.
16, WINKING – turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT – okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes
off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. “alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya.”
20, PARALLEL PARKING – bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher
do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you the world’s best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT – Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU – especially if you
didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off, nothing much, just third-degree
burns”
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH – “a Phillips? For that? Are
you mad, bint?”
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO – a visual code that says that’s
right, i’m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh!t.
:biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen:
