For the last eight years, people looking for love have been writing witty Lonely Hearts ads in the London Review of Books.
A new book has now been published collecting some of the most entertaining adverts.
Here are 10 of the best:
:weee: I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I’ll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you’re the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.
:weee: Your buying me dinner doesn’t mean I’ll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.
:weee: Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I’ll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.
:weee: Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren’t Kate Bush need not respond.
:weee: Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people’s names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I’ll make love to you. If it hasn’t, I probably will anyway, but I’ll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.
:weee: Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.
:weee: Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again.
:weee: Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.
:weee: Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.
:weee: Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.
:laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at:
