Hi guys! Below is a genuine application I posted out to England’s most
prestige University, Oxford. I wasn’t too sure if I’d be accepted or not but if I were to receive a rejection letter I was going to proudly pin it on my wall. Surprisingly though, they never got back to me at all.
And you remember The Streets hit song ‘Fit But You Know It’? Well you have to read the beginning of the letter in theme with the tune. Hope you enjoy!
University of Oxford
University Offices,
Wellington Square,
Oxford
OX1 2JD
Dear admissions,
See I hear your Uni is about an eight or a nine,
maybe even nine and a half in four rejections time.
Those funky blazers you wear is real nice,
bit too much cap though but yeah it scores high.
But there is just one thing that’s really really really really annoying me
about you you see,
is that yeah yeah I’m smart and real quick,
but my gosh! You guys just don’t know it.
I’m not trying to fool you,
Even though I would like too.
I think I am smart and quick,
I’m smart and quick now you guys know it.
Leave – it – out! You’re thinking of throwing away this application?
Leave – it – out! I must get a reply from this establishment.
Leave – it – out! C’mon and reply to me, c’mon and reply to me.
Leave – it – out! No no seriously, c’mon and reply to me.
But seriously now, quit fooling around. I would like to learn at your
university. I have two GCSE’s in English, a grade B and a grade C (yeah I know, it’s quite an achievement). Therefore as I have now mastered the English language I think I’d like to learn French so I can get a job
somewhere foreign – like Arsenal Football Club.
You will also be pleased to acknowledge that not only am I academically
advanced for my age (I’m 21 with two GCSE’s remember) but I’m also well wicked at rowing and can be a big asset to your team against those Cambridge slags. Once, when me and my mates were half cut and we went to the gym and lined up four rowing machines in a line, so it looked proper professional like. I even got my mate Decker to stand at the beginning of the line and be our motivator. He didn’t have a whistle so he improvised and used the blow horn he picked up at his last rave. We rowed one hundred metres that day in about twenty seconds thanks to Decker.
So please can you write to me ASAP on whether or not I can learn at Oxford. I have a place lined up at Cambridge but I’d much rather attend your gaff.
Yours especially
Del Duggan GCSE
