shyness etc... - Party Vibe

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June 20, 2006 at 8:36 pm

#690274
6

General Lighting

@general-lighting

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Is anyone here actually quite shy in real life and has found themselves over the years perhaps “overindulging” at raves/other social events in the hope they will release there inhibitions, but finds instead they become more self-concious?

just wondered as I’m a bit like that and am often thought of as either “too quiet” or aloof, arrogant (i.e doesn’t speak to people out of moodiness) or just plain insane?

thing is I do actually enjoy meeting new people but I’ve had a few bad experiences in the early rave days so sometimes put up a barrier and find it hard to chat to new people no matter how mashed I get (I even tend to fight “loved-up” feelings nowadays for fear of making an idiot of myself!)
June 20, 2006 at 8:51 pm

#862739
1

globalloon

@globalloon

Member
when I was about 21 I lost my confidence a bit as I’d already spent several years travelling around the world and living in some pretty extreme situations so on the odd occassions I came back to England I found I had little to talk about with my own age group…

TV and gossip seemed pretty unappealing but I didn’t want to seem like a loud mouth going on about myself or relating everything to a place or culture that others couldn’t relate to

so I became quite withdrawn.. and people mistook it for arrogance, which didn’t help matters

there is a definate trap (which I’ve fallen into before) where you don’t feel you have much to say so you crack another beer, skin up, or neck something else for something to do. with no particular good time to build on you end up just being wasted but not necessarily having a good time

these days I talk to anyone and if there’s no instant click, I just try and slow the communication down until we get a feel for each other

I’m too old to worry about what people think of me…
June 20, 2006 at 9:37 pm

#862743
1

Raj

@raj

Member
its a bit freaky when someone posts a thread which could have come out of one of my conversations :surprised

we were chatting about this at the weekend for about 2 hours!!

about how when you are a bit withdrawn people think you are being rude and aloof so they think you are arrogant and so on:you_smart

the chemicals dont always help and can remove social filters essential to other people’s comfort:crazy_fre Also if you are uncomfortable in a situation its not always conducive to getting wrecked as it makes you more withdrawn

random tangent
:crazy_fremind you i always remember a few years after i left school going back for a wedding and meeting people who were in my class and in the course of the conversation it came up that no one had ever tried to be my friend because i was so self possesed and withdrawn they never realised i wanted them as friends; i had always thought they just didn’t like me:surprised so i had only one real friend through secondary and loads of people who i thought were only nice to me so i could teach them their maths, chemistry etc in a manner that was accessible to them [maybe they thought they were my friends – i will never know] :crazy_fre

it left me ill equipped to socialise with people my age i know that; i still dont really understand them or their interests if they are ‘normal’ people; eccentrics i can get right alongside or older folk as i spent large amounts of time with those 15-40 years older than i was:bigsmile:

for years i felt that i was bad at socialising and it was not until i discovered the rave scene that i ever felt i belonged anywhere; before that i always felt like a pig at a bar mitzvah and that everyone thought i was too

after i discovered free parties i found a group of people who accepted me for who i was and were not bothered if i didnt want to talk; i gained confidence and realised the magic formula for fitting in which is to ask other people about themselves and listen carefully to what they say; you learn fascinating stuff this way and make friends too – works for me:bigsmile:

and glo’s advice is good too; if you are not clicking with someone kick back and slow the pace – you will almost always find common ground

these days i am not bothered by what people think of me; they dont know the half of it and have no sound basis on which to judge me so why get upset:idea:
June 20, 2006 at 10:41 pm

#862741
1

titch

@titch

Member
General Lighting wrote:

Is anyone here actually quite shy in real life and has found themselves over the years perhaps “overindulging” at raves/other social events in the hope they will release there inhibitions, but finds instead they become more self-concious?

just wondered as I’m a bit like that and am often thought of as either “too quiet” or aloof, arrogant (i.e doesn’t speak to people out of moodiness) or just plain insane?

thing is I do actually enjoy meeting new people but I’ve had a few bad experiences in the early rave days so sometimes put up a barrier and find it hard to chat to new people no matter how mashed I get (I even tend to fight “loved-up” feelings nowadays for fear of making an idiot of myself!)

Yes I get all that…. It sucks :crazy_fre
June 20, 2006 at 10:44 pm

#862738
1

BioTech

@biotech

Member
I wouldn’t say I was shy because talking to people doesn’t bother me but I often become quiet or struggle for things to say with new people.

Being much taller than most people doesn’t help either because when you are quiet I find people get intimidated easier or it’s taken (like other people say) as if I’m aloof.

Drugs (alcohol included) seem to maintain my sober personality though. So drinking or caining loads does not turn me in to an extrovert. I get the buzz effects but it doesn’t break down social barriers for me. If anything, sometimes stimulants (inc alcohol) make me even quieter as I’m enjoying the buzz within if you get me. I concentrate on what I’m thinking and experiencing.
June 20, 2006 at 11:01 pm

#862736
6

General Lighting

@general-lighting

Moderator
Staff
at least I’m not the only one who’se been through this… I think Biotech summed up the feelings I get as well!

I made loads of friends throughout high school despite being both from a different ethnic group and considered as “intelligent” (although wouldn’t consider myself to have been be a swot, I only sort of studied because my parents made me…)

at work I’ve never had real problems with interacting with people and in my previous job have been even praised by management for how I could deal with anyone from senior managers to office admin staff.

it is only at raves (I do not go to townie pubs and clubs any more) where I feel like this (sometimes) but more with new people (in Reading I have been part of various crews so I am well known and people know my ways).

it happens whether I am sober or not.

I do try to talk to people and interact but (particularly if you are about on your own and are “different” but I think people are a bit more suspicious

The vibe does seem a bit different from the early-mid 90s – I feel that people are in established “groups” at raves these days and you are sometimes intruding if/when you go and talk to randoms…

I suppose as there are a lot of people on the blag at raves nowadays or even pyschos about sometimes its understandable but a bit of a shame..
June 20, 2006 at 11:17 pm

#862740
1

Amelia

@amelia

Member
Yeah im like that, i think i always have been and erm i might be less now although i was in a room with someone the other day who i’d only just met and i stayed quiet but when i wanted to talk i couldnt cause i felt to sorta rude for being quiet at first… if that makes sence hmm…
I love meeting new people and such but im quite bad at communicating in a normal way i guess and its really frustrating and it gives the impression im arrogant or like GL said just plain insane :crazy_fre but this makes meeting people who like me like that even more fun so for me its a balance i guess :bigsmile: sorry about saying *i* a lot :bigsmile:
June 21, 2006 at 7:52 am

#862753
1

PHARTY

@pharty

Member
General Lighting wrote:

Is anyone here actually quite shy in real life and has found themselves over the years perhaps “overindulging” at raves/other social events in the hope they will release there inhibitions, but finds instead they become more self-concious?

just wondered as I’m a bit like that and am often thought of as either “too quiet” or aloof, arrogant (i.e doesn’t speak to people out of moodiness) or just plain insane?

thing is I do actually enjoy meeting new people but I’ve had a few bad experiences in the early rave days so sometimes put up a barrier and find it hard to chat to new people no matter how mashed I get (I even tend to fight “loved-up” feelings nowadays for fear of making an idiot of myself!)

I really Know wot u mean!
June 21, 2006 at 8:15 am

#862744
1

Raj

@raj

Member
HARTY wrote:

I really Know wot u mean!

self conciousness is a right pain isnt it?

even worse in a group of strangers:bounce_o::bounce_o:
June 21, 2006 at 8:19 am

#862752
1

RawDirtyBass

@rawdirtybass

Member
I was always quite shy/quiet when i was younger, this was partly as i was pretty fat back in the day and the fact that me and another lad we brought up together in our small village and didnt really need to talk to other kids

nowadays i speak to randoms at parties with out batting an eye lid, although its not partyin that changed me it was drugs, after smokin weed frm 13 i lost a lot of wieght and made lots of friends and found that they actually wanted to listen to what i had to say,

after a few years i became whats know as a dealer (not a pusher by any means), frm this i met literally hundreds of people and made lots of good friends, i also got into partying (its not a gateway drug honest) as i generaly took my trade with me and so i generally had a chat with most people there for what ever reason and got on well with them

im still quite shy in everyday situations, i can quite happily talk to strangers but when i dont i usualy see it as a concious choice not to talk to them, as they probably wont have anything intresting to say :bigsmile:

IMO most people are lovley and a laugh to talkt to, so i gave up on being shy:bigsmile:
June 21, 2006 at 9:29 am

#862754
1

PHARTY

@pharty

Member
raj wrote:

self conciousness is a right pain isnt it?

even worse in a group of strangers:bounce_o::bounce_o:

Yeh feeling awkward and uncomfortable u can start to think everybodie dislikes u:frown: then the paranoia sets in and being in a bunch of strangers can become pretty scary Ive had that happen more than a few times…..not good!
June 21, 2006 at 9:47 am

#862757
6

Angel

@angel

Moderator
Staff
HARTY wrote:

Yeh feeling awkward and uncomfortable u can start to think everybodie dislikes u:frown: then the paranoia sets in

I know what you feel,believe it or not..
June 21, 2006 at 11:08 am

#862745
1

Raj

@raj

Member
ange1 wrote:

I know what you feel,believe it or not..

the drugs are not required you know; all kinds of folk suffer from that paranoia :crazy_fre
June 21, 2006 at 11:23 am

#862755
1

PHARTY

@pharty

Member
raj wrote:

the drugs are not required you know; all kinds of folk suffer from that paranoia :crazy_fre

Yeh I know now, the drugs didnt help but its only been the last few years that I realised that I suffered from the shyness paranoia thing as much as I did……..
June 21, 2006 at 11:35 am

#862737
6

General Lighting

@general-lighting

Moderator
Staff
whats curious though is that all of us seem to have coped well with life and done loads of interesting things like travelling!

Its only also recently that I have become more self-concious at raves (these being my main social activity these days). I’ve actually calmed down my substance intake considerably since the 90s.

OTOH originally I would talk to any random person; I’d go to big raves, squat parties on my own or wander about on my own (even in London) and didn’t have that much trouble… (although London was less violent then)

I still get on well with people at parties and meet a few new people at every event.

the problems I had in the early 90s I had was after I had made friends with people and the people either tried to blag you or use you for money/connections etc; but of course I learnt to be a better judge of character.

I am quite good though at sensing aggression and tension (apparently although men aren’t supposed to be “emotional” they are actually very good at sensing negative emotions in people because its a survival thing) – I do seem to be picking up a lot of this at parties recently – even the better ones (well I don’t go to the dodgy ones any more!)

sometimes I keep quiet as I am not sure about a situation and don’t want to inflate any potential trouble…

it seems that (other than raves put on by some crews with a particularly good crowd) people are a bit more competitive, insular, and aggressive at raves nowadays (as opposed to 1997-2001)?
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