Forums › The Vibe › Life & Soul › Un-Fucking-Believable
So as you all know by now I have ongoing mental health and drug addiction issues.
I’ve been battling this for years and have gone in and out of phases of seeking professional help.
I’ve hit crisis point lately, thinking about and planning my suicide quite a lot. In the past for some reason, maybe because it so common for me, my suicidal desires have never alarmed the professionals. Until now…
On Saturday I would have made an actual attempt at killing myself had my girlfriend not physically prevented me from doing so, but later that day I found myself in the primary care team’s clinic, being risk assessed. I was able to tell them, without emotion as I’d already done my grieving for myself, exactly which piece of railway I was going to kill myself on, the train number and time of the day I had observed that it passed this particular piece of railway. I told them (with my girlfriend present) that I was waiting for her to move out then no-one would be able to prevent me. The level of detail and specifics certainly grabbed their attention.
I told them I am heavily addicted to weed, and have been for a number of years and that I frequently use benzodiazepines to combat my anxiety and insomnia, but this had never crossed into addiction, as I am able to abruptly stop use after a binge without any withdrawal symptoms. I confessed that I have at some point tried most drugs out there either for fun or as an escape. But I stated that the weed is the biggest part of my addiction by a long shot and that is what I don’t have the willpower to resist, especially while I have numerous outside factors stressing me out currently.
Now it goes without question, even to me, the addict, that daily smoking of high strength cannabis was seriously hindering my ability to recover.
Now for the reason of the thread title; I was informed I may not be addicted enough to warrant any rehab! WTF! Additionally they told me they would rather me continue smoking weed for now and cut out the benzodiazepines completely. I was gobsmacked; I reiterated that the benzos were used as legitimately as if the doctor had prescribed them and the weed is what I was using on pretty much an involuntary basis.
They repeated that I should continue with the weed and not the benzos. Does that make sense to anyone else, I still can’t get my head round it.
Anyway I’m being reassessed by a psychiatrist on Friday to review my medication (currently Mirtazapine) and to then draw up a care plan to aid in my recovery.
Hey, not trying to be a dick here but can we try keep the suicdide talk for emetrgencies and when I need to make something not look like a murder only please?
Thanks
@pedroparama 587118 wrote:
I did try that once bro, i mean killing myself. I agree that does feels good. After a friend of mine saved me (!), i spend two years thinking of doing that again and i got pretty good chances but i fucked that up everytime and things in my life started to change. One day i found out that i love being pessimistic and i am not that brave anymore to kill myself. Kept smoking weed, drinking too much, complaining about every second of my life. Wrote best of my works on that era, nobody cared to publish them and anxiety grew. And here I am… thinking nonstop about having sex as much as can, meet all kind of people and critise them, spend all of my days on streets and life goes much better with this nihilism. I know my words not gonna change anything but fuck it bro. I suggest you to write whenever you can, don’t think about where, when and how. Carry on living and write that down.
I’m actually quite an avid reader and writer, or go through phases of both, at least. I even started a blog on here, but stopped when my mental health declined too much; didn’t have the focus or motivation to keep it updated. I may try getting back into that. I certainly have a few more chapters I could include, what, with my recent stay on a psychiatric ward, and what drove me towards a second suicide attempt.
@The Psyentist 587122 wrote:
I’m actually quite an avid reader and writer, or go through phases of both, at least. I even started a blog on here, but stopped when my mental health declined too much; didn’t have the focus or motivation to keep it updated. I may try getting back into that. I certainly have a few more chapters I could include, what, with my recent stay on a psychiatric ward, and what drove me towards a second suicide attempt.
psych wards are a trip… would like to read your blogs so get back into it
please stay, have tried to do it myself not recently all i can say was glad i didnt..was finally a decision i made never to do that again but the pain cam be really tough stay with it tho
I’m trying to battle on but struggling quite a lot. It’s fairly apparent my medication isn’t doing fuck all either. Just wish my psychotherapist would hurry up and get back to me.
you northerners should consider yourself lucky you’ve got both trains to jump under and decent hospitals; down south there are many places the patient would be more likely to keel over from exposure waiting for the train as its been delayed/cancelled…
seriously though I’ve been spending a lot of time doing long hours at work on call / alarm systems for healthcare facilities and working on patient monitoring databases. its certainly not my “dream job” (I’m a trained broadcast engineer and prefer creative multimedia work) and can be stressful sometimes as both patients and staff perceive there is an increased workload and surveillance level but it keeps me occupied and there is just about enough spare time and money for my other tech related hobbies.
I have changed my lifestyle loads recently; I rarely socialise and avoid the party/drugs culture as there is too much conflict on it but my work has the effect that it keeps me off getting sectioned as I know what the régime is like already! @The Psyentist – if you do have any interest in technology there is a big company near you which sells all sorts of interesting kit from beginner to advanced level; and stuff like coding and debugging circuits can help take up a lot of time..
If you are addicted, and emphasize any threat towards yourself or others, they are going to put you on anti-psychotics most probably and you will find out fast they are going to be the hardest and most silent deadliest drug you have ever done.
You may have thought you had done hard drugs in your past, so guess again.
Good luck.
Lithium is okay, if you need to do it, it’s okay. 4 weeks is enough.
If you are addicted to the tranquilizers, that’s bad news.
I should never ever ever suggest this to a drug addict as you will try and chase the highs, so seriously tread with caution. Nootropics may help you if you treat them with respect as there is no recreational value.
Personally, there is no recreational value in benzos either.
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Forums › The Vibe › Life & Soul › Un-Fucking-Believable