er what? dont do that 🙁 … and don’t kill yourself, you’ve got to come to shambala yet
it was probably just a late night (morning/early afternoon) rant, but just to counter the self harm empowering type monologue:
if you look to the world or other people to meet expectations your then you’l be repeatedly disappointed. the world may coincidentally give you what you want for a time, but of course it will move out of sync with life your preferences… all you can do to really remove stress is to allow things to be as they are, and other people to behave in the way that they choose, and allow yourself to not be drawn in to conflict with them or begrudge them.
all the activities you listed are high stimulus and if those are you’re only exits, then other things will seem dull, especially as when you repeat something you strengthen neural pathways and so other things will be increasingly dull. to bring back some balance, you could find some low stimuli activities and so there is some amount of spaciousness in your day/ in your mind. maybe go for a 1/2 hr walk in the evening, do some yoga/meditation, or find some ‘activity’ where your mind isn’t absorbed by something, where there is some space.
suicide is the absolute ‘no’ to life. its where the ego becomes so empowered that it has tricked consciousness into believing the gap between ‘what is’ and ‘what should be’ is too unbearable. and it may seem strange to think of this ‘activity’ as ego derived, but if you listen to the way the mind describes it…: its all about the gap between ‘what is’ and ‘my story,’ ‘my vision of right and wrong,’ ‘my expectations.’ ‘in MY LIFE these things shouldn’t be happening, because this isn’t how MY STORY is supposed to go. ‘why are you people not behaving how I want you to and reflect MY STORY?’ … and the ego will destroy itself if in its last moments it has won by making you wholly commit into a fiction… and you may think ‘fiction??, what??… these things are really happening! how dare you! – my horse died, my mum’s ill, my wife cheated etc’… but the fiction is to convince you that you don’t have a choice how to behave and you must spread more suffering by experiencing pain yourself and hopefully transferring that pain to someone or many other people also by acting out further reactive negativity… like a virus
the ego doesn’t want you to know that (just like in some cheap ad on the side of a dodgy web page) you can live content with peace, happiness and love with just one simple trick; ‘say ‘yes’ to what is.’ it doesn’t matter what ‘it’ is… and if that is too hard to start, then you begin by accepting the emotion that you feel and allow it to be. be a watcher to it, be aware of it,… notice the feeding nature of negative thoughts and how if you do watch them rather than ‘be them’ you can see their strong pull and how when observed they are still trying to draw you in, but the more you observe them/ isolate them, the more they lose their power to take over you… they want to ‘be you,’ but a good step towards contentment is to realise ‘they’re not you‘
you are much more than the fears/desires of your mind. if life experience is intense and volatile then the focus of your consciousness is becoming lost in mind activity and emotion. both are interconnected; emotion being the physical reaction to pre-conceived concepts of judgements of the mind. to re-experience life energy you only need to withdraw from these habits, and in a kind of karmic way,- it takes effort; you have to build your way out. its not hard but awareness and action through reasoning are required. as you gain momentum you’l notice a balance re=equating between things that are nourishing for your life experience and things that are not… and in the same way that when you become fit, the body craves food that can fuel continued health rather than sugar/salt/fat… also when you bring space into consciousness you will look to find things that will help develop that and limit things that don’t
once you have this space, its much easier to accept things/people for what they are and allow them to be, as you no longer require/ or require less feed to strengthen your mental image of what ‘should be’. when potential stress arises, you can impart positive energy rather than absorbing and further spreading negativity… if you like…
look to find peace and bring it to the world… rather than looking for the world to bring you peace… and then hopefully you will survive until shambala i can feign compassion for the purposes of procuring dmt 🙂
