OB joke The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS Troopers. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a fuckin' rabbit!"
Would you shake this man’s hand? San Francisco - The Snitch - Masturbate-A-Thon 2009 Champion Masanobu Sato Speaks
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stumbled on this while browsing the ableton forum (normally a respectable place!)
Banned For Drinking Petrol A gas-gulping petrol addict has been banned from every petrol station in his home town for guzzling four star petrol straight from the pump.Brian Taylor has been sneaking onto forecourts and slashing pipes to get his fill of fuel and the toxic chemicals that give him a high.
Tanked Up: Banned For Drinking Petrol | Home | Sky News
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UK : N : I know I shouldn’t joke about this but.. the dibble up there tasered a bull-terrier (it has turned on its own owner), and sent this report from the press office..
A spokesman for Lancashire Police said: "The dog has now been taken to the police station for further inquiries to be made.
"It is possibly a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, which is a lawful breed to have."
I've now got an image of this mutt sat down on a chair with its paws tied together, and two CID saying
"look, you had better explain exactly what went on here and what sort of dog you are or all three of us are going to Mr Wongs restaurant, and only two are gonna be coming back."
and maybe later on..
Young naive bobby : "That was really sound of the DI to treat us all to a Chinese meal, but I have to say the meat in this Special Fried Rice is a bit tough and greasy"
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And You Thought the Guy that Shagged the RACCOON Was Bad… Reader Chris Durrant has just sent us a copy of a paper from the journal Surgery which describes a case report on a man who inserted a 50cm/20" eel into his back passage.
The 50-year old man was admitted to the Accident and Emergency Department at Kwong Wah Hospital in Kowloon, Hong Kong, suffering from abdominal pain.
"Emergency laparotomy found a 50cm eel biting the splenic flexure..."Doctors seeing to the patient diagnosed peritonitis and did an x-ray to find out what was wrong. Oddly, the x-ray revealed the presence of a live eel in the man's rectum.
"On further questioning," says the paper, "the patient admitted an eel was inserted into the rectum in an attempt to relieve constipation.
"Emergency laparotomy found a 50cm eel biting the splenic flexure of the colon, and a 3cm perforation was found over the anterior wall of the rectum.
"Insertion of a live animal into the rectum causing rectal perforation has never been previously reported.
"This may be related to a bizarre healthcare belief, inadvertent sexual behaviour, or criminal assault. However, the true reason may never be known."
The patient went home after a, presumably rather embarrassing, week in hospital.
We think the eel was probably Anguilla japonica.
Blog: Exclusive: 50cm eel removed from mans rectum | Practical Fishkeeping magazine
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