Its Just Man Things…. 1, OPENING JARS – nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman
but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the
ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE -
Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you
think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and
- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of
your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does
it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you
to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",
it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car
alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest
of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to
the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations,
you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes
off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher
do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you the world's best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you
didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just third-degree
burns"
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are
you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh!t.
:biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen::biggreen:
The engineers car journey Four engineers share a car and are travelling to a techie conference.
There is a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and electrical engineer and a software engineer.
The car breaks down on the motorway...
The mechanical engineer says "we must look at the engine and transmission" for the problem.
The chemical engineer says "the fuel may be contaminated. We must check the fuel tank and lines".
The electrical engineer says "the connections to the electronic ignition system may be corroded or loose", we must check these".
They then all turn to the software engineer, who hasn't said anything yet and ask "well, what do you think we should do?"
He pauses for a moment and says"
"hmm - maybe we should all get out of the car, wait 30 seconds, get back in and try to start it up again??"
An unlikely hero.. In an Essex street, a mum is out shopping with her badly behaved toddler.
he somehow swallows some coins from his mums purse and starts coughing and choking. His mum tries to call 999 but finds her mobile has run out of battery as she had been playing crap rnb MP3s to her mates in the bus queue...
So she starts screaming for someone to help her kid..
A middle aged, balding chap in a grey suit suddenly appears out of nowhere, and runs up to the kid. He quickly grabs the child, whacks him on the back a couple of times and he coughs up the coins..
The mum is very relived... and says "Thanks - you saved my kids life, Doctor.."
The man says... "No problem.. but I'm not actually a doctor.... I work for HM Revenue and Customs"... :laugh_at:
Made me laugh :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
Don't you just hate
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the F*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F****** right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
3. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the F*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the F****** floor.
5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When people say "life is short". What the F***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever F****** does!! What can you do that's longer?
7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?
8. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
9. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
10. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you F****** McTosser.12
One man’s point on how to treat a women :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
1. When she asks howshe looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).
15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back on and go make me a cup of tea".
If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back within 3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent biscuits (or any combination of the above) tell her that it's over until she learns to make better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself - give her the chance to do so.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).
21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't call.
27. If you’re ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country with your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When the bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push her off (if she falls over it’s a bonus as she is less likely to be able to re-board said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange place with no way of getting home…. What an adventure! And will also teach her to never say your relationship lacks ‘spice’ again.
:you_smart:you_smart:you_smart:you_smart
Not A Joke But Made Me Laugh
A German woman in Dusseldorf blocked the entrance to an underground station when she mistook it for a subterranean car park, police said on Wednesday.
The 52-year-old drove her Volkswagen Beetle across the pavement and into the entrance, where it came to a halt five steps down. Police estimated the damage to the station at around 1,500 euros (£1,000). The VW Beetle-Cabrio remained balanced on the fifth step and the woman was able to get out unaided and unharmed.
The accident happened in the Nordstrasse underground station, in the centre of Dusseldorf. A truck later towed the car out of the stairwell.
'Not dangerous'
A local newspaper said the woman was more shocked and embarrassed than hurt. A similar incident happened four years ago in the same underground station, when a 50-year-old man from Dortmund also mistook it for an underground car park. Andrea Blome, head of Traffic Management in Dusseldorf said: "We had only recently transformed the entrance to the station".
She said the stairwell had been painted a brighter colour and extra lighting had been installed.But she said no further changes were planned following the latest incident, and that the station was not considered dangerous.
:you_crazy :you_crazy :you_crazy :laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at:
Inner Peace Something for you to ensure inner calm for yourself.......
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and
we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve
inner peace is to finish all the things you have started, something for you
to ensure inner calm for yourself.......
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't
finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle
of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of
vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins,
the res of the Chesescke an a bax a cholates.
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.
:wink: :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:
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