39 quotes 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very
often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than
Standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
Real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human
Race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that
Word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Man busted while drunk driving……..
Quote:
BERLIN (Reuters) - A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.
"He was right in the middle of the road," said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin on Tuesday. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure."The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was about 2 km from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow.
Police said that because the man was technically travelling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence.
"It's not like we can impound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment. It's just not clear yet what exactly that will be."
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
Confused cockatoo :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
Quote:
A confused cockatoo at a wildlife centre has spent the last two weeks trying to hatch a bowl of Easter eggs.
The 17-year-old bird, called Pippa, adopted the chocolate eggs when her owner put them out just before Easter as a treat for visitors to the centre in Nuneaton, Warwickshire.
Thinking they were her own, Pippa latched on to them immediately and has been sitting on them ever since.
Geoff Grewcock, owner of the Nuneaton and Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary, said: "It's very comical. She's not usually maternal, so it's come as a bit of a surprise.
"We had a lot of creme eggs, so we put them in a dish on a table for people to take.
"When we got Pippa out she went straight to them and began nesting on them.
"She's so protective over them, and if anyone goes near them she'll attack."
Pippa has become so possessive that Mr Grewcock is having to take the eggs away from her one by one.
"They're going to melt if we don't take them away," he said. "We're taking them away gradually, so she should be okay.
"I think she thinks they should be hatching now and has starting pecking at them. It's very strange."
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES 1) That's not right..........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ........Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.............................. Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse..............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach?..............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table..........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here...................WaoSo Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet........Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.............,No Pah King
12) Our meeting is next week............Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight...................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great...................................Fa Kin Su Pah
:bigsmile:
the simple ones are the Best………… PINCHED FROM OTHER SITE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT...:love:
The comic genius that was Tommy Cooper! This has probably been here before but I just saw it in my email and had to post it again.
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night .
Making a bet in a bar :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at: Must be blond guys
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Australian Poetry Competition The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and timbuktu.
The aboriginal won.
:laugh_at:
What Celebs will look like in 2037 Have you ever wondered what celebs will look like in 2037? Well i have recieved some pictures giving us some insight into what they will be looking like (plastic surgery could change the results) :weee:
US : A rescue Cat PWNS a Cop on TV what better way to show the "human side of law enforcement" than getting a cop to appear on TV and display animals for rehoming?
Unfortunately this cat doesn't agree..
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A "sweet" story Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and raisin , she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.
He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.
He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!
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