Anger management!!! When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
"Hello." I Politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with
Robert Campbell ?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong'
number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'C*nt' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and
said,"Hi,this is John Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt ( I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover
C*nt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover
for sale?"
Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I
asked."Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced
house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen,"
he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"
"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Steve, you're a C*nt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called C*nt #1. Hello." "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my
gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve.
And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.
Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, C*nt," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going
down in Alice Street, Ilford .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there
just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in
front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works :groucho:
No more headaches
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?"The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back”. He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
The farmers dog.. A farmer is gossiping over a fence to his neighbour...
"I must do something about that new dog of mine - he will chase any passer-by on a bicycle"..
His neighbour says..
"What are you going to do with him then? Give him to the dogs' home, or sell him in the local free ads?"
The farmer replies...
"Nah, nothing as drastic as that - I'm just going to confiscate his bicycle until he behaves...."
Anyone Seen Red vs Blue Go to video.google.com and search for red vs blue.... its pretty funny and cleverly made..... using halo.... is cool and funny and stuffyness sooooo watchit.... NOW. lol... infact lqtm..
Suffolk Dialect A old Stowmarket shepherd is rounding up his flock of Suffolk sheep to be checked over by the vet.
One of the sheep doesn't want to see the vet and runs away in to a small hut.
The shepherd runs after it, but in the confusion knocks his head on a low wooden beam.
So the vet goes in to the hut to check up on the shepherd! he finds the shepherd groaning on the floor holding his head and chest, and asks him what happened.
The shepherd replies..
"oh my hut[1]! I hully[2] hut[3] my hid[4] on my hut!"
[1] heart
[2] wholly
[3] hurt
[4] head
Funny Road Signs [FONT=times new roman,helvetica]:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."
Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."[/FONT]
UK : Wales/Cymru : Welsh wisdom.. for some years the EU has been trying to implement an ID/monitoring database to keep track of sheep. (A similar database has already been in operation for several years for tracking cows.)
This was the response from Wales..
Quote:
Asked about the European Union proposal for an electronic identity system for sheep, the Welsh MP Mark Williams said in a parliamentary question: “We already have a robust system of identifying a species. If it's woolly and goes ‘baa’, it's a sheep.”
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