Seattle helicopter pilot… A helicopter was flying around above Seattle, when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SeaTac airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
New boots An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on,Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what'different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!"
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
conned Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly stopped when her husband curtly asked," And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo…
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?" enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Letter for dad… :groucho:
Walking by his son's room, a dad note that his room is abnormally clean. The bed was made and there is absolutely nothing on the floor. Curious, he walks in the room and find an envelop on a pillow with the word "Daddy" written on it. Anxious, he start reading the lettre with his shaky hands:
Dear Daddy,
It is with desolation and regret that i wrote this letter to inform you of my intentions. I've decided to go live my life with my new girlfriend and I wanted to avoid unpleasant scenes and threatening from you and mom. Yes, I'm totally in love with Karen and she is really pretty. I know that you would not like her because of her tattoos, piercings and used clothes "biker" style. But dad, it's not only because of the passion i have for this girl that made me leave the house. She's is pregnant. She is carrying my baby and we will be very happy together. I also know that you would not accept the fact that she is 20years older than me
and we're not asking you anything to live our life. She own a mobile home in a trailer park somewhere and we have enough lumber to survive cold days of winter. Karen made me realize that drugs are actually not that bad for us. It's also a good way to make money. Our biker friends gives us cocaine and ecstasy that we can sell. I pray every night that we can find a cure for Karen's HIV. So dad, don't worry about me. I'm 15 years old and i can take care of myself. Maybe i'll come home one day to introduce you to your grand-childrens.
Your son, Jake.
P.S: Everything in this letter is false and right now I'm at Daniels, our neighbors. I just wanted to show you that there is things in life worst than bad grades that you will find on my report card on my desk. Call me when I can safely come back home.
Hypnotised :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
Quote:
Illusionist Derren Brown put a Roehampton University student into a trance and woke him up in Morocco, a newspaper has reported.
Richard Critchlow, 21, found himself in a chaotic Marrakech market after sleeping through a 13-hour trip.
He stumbled out of a photo booth in the North African state after being hypnotised in an identical one in England.
Brown told the Daily Mirror: "He was in a deep sleep. He had no sense of any time passing at all.
"His profound bewilderment eventually gave way to huge delight."
After being hypnotised, Mr Critchlow from Wolverhampton was whisked off to Heathrow Airport.
The student was slumped in a wheelchair as he was put on a plane, flown to Morocco then wheeled through passport control.
He was then placed in the set-up booth in Marrakech's Djema al Fna market.
He emerged looking dumbstruck, as street sellers approached him with dates, nuts and juice, the paper said.
He was allowed to wander through the streets before Brown let him in on the prank.
Mr Crichlow had answered an advertisement to appear on Brown's new show Trick or Treat on Channel 4 next month.
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91059-1254209,00.html
A bloke walk`s into his living room and say`s to his wife " Get your coat on I`m going down the pub ." wife say`s Am I coming? " and the fella say`s " No` I`m turning the fucking heating off!!"
The World’s Most Obnoxious FAQ :biggreen:
This is wickedly funny and I thought I would share it :wink:
original is here http://www.borg.com/~jglatt/tutr/faq.htm
Welcome to The World's Most Obnoxious FAQ written by Jeff Glatt (ie, a really obnoxious guy with a grating sense of humor). This FAQ addresses what I consider to be the most annoying, frivolous, and ignorant questions all too frequently asked in the MIDI and sound card newsgroups, and gives the answers that I'd really like to give (except that I don't dare because then people would hate me even more than they already do as a result of things that I do say).
What's the difference between an AWE32 and SB32?
The amount of money that Creative Labs has gotten you to spend for a really crummy audio card.
Does anyone know of a program that converts WAVE files to MIDI?
There has been only one such program ever written. It only runs on the Commodore C-64. I believe that it was made by IBM. Call and ask them if they plan to port it to the PC.
Which platform is better for music; the IBM PC or the Macintosh?
Both have their points. The PC clone is good for setting jumpers on your sound cards, and the Mac is good for crashing your music software.
How can I get rid of the hiss on my Creative Labs Sound Blaster?
Buy a discontent rattlesnake and keep it next to the computer. You'll no longer hear the sound card's hiss.
What do I have to do to play MIDI files that I downloaded from the internet? My MIDI player doesn't seem to recognize them.
MIDI files are stored in a special, self-extracting format which takes a long time to "hatch". Just leave the files alone until they do, and you'll suddenly hear music coming from your sound card.
What's the best [insert any type of product here -- "sequencer", "sound card", "operating system", etc]?
The one that will be coming out real soon now.
Why can't I get any of my music programs to work?
Because you're hopelessly stupid.
Why can't I hear anything from my sound card?
You've gone deaf. But, at least it's not as bad as being hopelessly stupid.
How can I play MIDI files, made on a PC clone, on my Mac?
You can't. You have to buy a PC clone. The Mac won't let you readily do things that should be exceedingly simple to do, such as the above.
I want to buy a MIDI music studio this weekend, but I'm a total newbie when it comes to MIDI. I don't have any knowledge of what products are being offered, and I'm not sure what I want. What should I buy?
A very large bottle of aspirin, and an extended warranty.
Help! I need to buy a MIDI. Where do I get one?
There's only one place where a person such as yourself can get as much help as you apparently need. Dial 911.
a man joins a nudist colony. on his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
a gorgeous petite blonde walks up by,and the man immediatly gets an erection.the woman notices his erection and wanders over to him and says "did you call for me?"
the man replies "no,what do you mean"?
she says"you must be new here.let me explain.its a rule here that if you get an erection,it implies you called for me"!
smiling,she takes him to the side of the pool,lies him down and happily lets him have his way with her.
the man continues to explore the colonies facilities.he enters the sauna and as he sits down he farts.
witin minutes a huge hairy guy comes in
"did you call for me"?says the hairy man.
"no what do you mean"?
"you must be new here"says the hairy man."its a rule here that if you fart you call for me"
the huge man easily spins him round and has his way with the old man.
The new man staggers back to the colony office,where he is greated by the smiling,naked receptionist.
"may i help you"? she says
the man yells"heres my membership,my key and you can keep the $500 membership fee"!!
"but sir,you have only been here a couple hours"she says. "you havent had the chance to see all our facilities".
The angered man replies "listen lady, im 68 years old. i only get one erection a month,but a fart 15 times a day"!!
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