Wife From Hell A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,
well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
Then as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only
when he's been drinking
:cry:
lent……….. John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish." __________________
Council painter’s yellow line madness :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:surprise surprise
http://news.sky.com/skynews/video/videoplayer/0,,91135-yellowlineslvo_031006_1400,00.html
truly awful jokes Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and its all gone.
:weee: :weee: :weee:
A man who runs in front of the car gets tired.
:you_crazy :you_crazy
A man who runs behind the car gets exhausted.
:groucho:
A man with his hand in his pocket feels cocky all day.
:groucho:
A man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails.
:yakk:
A man who eats many prunes gets a good run for his money.
:yakk:
Baseball is wrong: a man with four balls cannot walk.
:laugh_at::laugh_at:
War does not determines who is right, war determines who is left.
:hopeless:
A wife who puts her husband in the doghouse will soon find him in the cat house.
:laugh_at:
It take many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
:groucho:
A man who drive likes hell is bound to get there.
:you_crazy
A man who stands on a toilet is high on pot
:weee:
A man who lives in a glass house should change clothes in the basement.
:weee:
A man who fishes in another man's well often catches crabs.
:yakk:
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
:yakk:
More great Engrish.. The Chinese translators do it again!
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330080278201&ru=http://search.ebay.co.uk:80/330080278201_W0QQfromZR40QQfviZ1
Not safe for some workplaces as ebay advert contains a sex toy
Big Brother goes bananas Mmmmmmm..why not..
Maybe they'll behave better :laugh_at::laugh_at:
Quote:
The rows and fighting in the Celebrity Big house will seem like nothing to contestants taking part in a Chinese version of the show.
A zoo is running the BB-style competition - where the contestants have to live in a monkey enclosure.
Six people will live with the monkeys in the zoo in the northwestern province of Shaanxi "to experience the lack of freedom the animals have".
The China Daily newspaper says the last person remaining will win 11,888 yuan (£780) and the title of "Honorary Animal Lover".
"It is the first such activity in China, and any Chinese from 18 to 60 years old, in good psychological condition with wild animal protection and survival knowledge may participate," the report added.
It is not yet known what type of monkey the contestants will be living with.
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91059-1250663,00.html
Can’t be true :hopeless: :hopeless:
Not sure that this is a joke :you_crazy
Quote:
Street Lamp Camera Plan
X-ray cameras could be installed on lampposts on British streets to spot armed terrorists and other criminals, it has been claimed.
According to a leaked memo seen by The Sun, "detection of weapons and explosives will become easier" if the scheme drawn up by Home Office officials is adopted
However, officials acknowledged it would be highly controversial as the cameras can "see" through clothing.
"The social acceptability of routine intrusive detection measures and the operational response required in the event of an alarm are likely to be limiting factors," the memo warned.
"Privacy is an issue because the machines see through clothing."
The Sun said the memo, dated January 17, was drawn up by the Home Office for the Prime Minister's working group on security crime and justice.
Seeing through clothing
It noted some technologies used for airport security had already been used in police operations searching for drugs and weapons in nightclubs.
"These and other could be developed for a much more widespread use in public places," it said.
"Street furniture could routinely house detection systems that would indicate the likely presence of a gun, for example."
A Home Office spokeswoman said: "We don't comment on leaked documents".
Pie recipe – you wouldn’t get away with this today! I'm sure some of those species are becoming rare today and you'd get in serious trouble making pies out of them, apart from the bird flu controls!..
I reckon it would be a tasty pie though....(by medieval standards at least)
Quote:
"Trois perdriaulx gros et reffais
Au milieu du pate me mets;
Mais gardes bien que tu ne failles
A moi prendre six grosses cailles,
De quoi tu les apuyeras.
Et puis apres tu me prendras
Une douzaine d'alouetes
Qu'environ les cailles me mettes,
Et puis pendras de ces maches
Et de ces petits oiseles:
Selon ce que tu en auras,
Le pate m'en billeteras.
Or te fault faire pourveance
D'un pen de lart, sans point de rance,
Que tu tailleras comme de:
S'en sera le paste pouldre.
S tu le veux de bonne guise,
Du vertjus la grappe y soit mise,
D'un bien peu de sel soit pouldre ...
... Fay mettre des oeufs en la paste,
Les croutes un peu rudement
Faictes de flour de pur froment ...
... N'y mets espices ni fromaige ...
Au four bien a point chaud le met,
Qui de cendre ait l'atre bien net;
E quand sera bien a point cuit,
I n'est si bon mangier, ce cuit."
("Put me in the middle of the pie three young partridges large and fat;
But take good care not to fail to take six fine quail to put by their
side.
After that you must take a dozen skylarks, which round the quail you must
place;
And then you must take some thrushes and such other little birds as you
can get to garnish the pie.
Further, you must provide yourself with a little bacon, which must not be
in the least rank (reasty), and you must cut it into pieces of the size
of a die, and sprinkle them into the pie.
If you want it to be in quite good form, you must put some sour grapes in
and a very little salt ...
... Have eggs put into the paste, and the crust made rather hard of the
flour of pure wheat.
Put in neither spice nor cheese ...
Put it into the oven just at the proper heat,
The bottom of which must be quite free from ashes;
And when it is baked enough, isn't that a dish to feast on!")
http://www.arcamax.com/nonfiction/b-1338-15-bookread
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