the dangers of ignoring road signs.. 1...
[IMG]http://www.johnballcycling.org.uk/photos/warning[/IMG]
2.
[IMG]http://www.johnballcycling.org.uk/photos/shame[/IMG]
The "blonde jokes" thread Well i'm blond so I dare to poste these!
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Add your own!
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Jesus!! A wee laugh for the weekend
An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for
the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table
in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts,
"F*** off, I'm on invalidity!"
Customer Service!! A lesson to all employees who work with rude customers :- Indeed, an
award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as Cargo. A
crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the front of the line. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The
attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS." If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."With the
folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the
Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k You!" Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get
in line for that too."
Tickle :laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at:
Tickle Me Elmo
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo (a cuddly toy which laughs when tickled) factory. The Personnel Manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am.
The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it a around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says: "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. I said, your job is to give Elmo two "test tickles".
science gets a sense of humor http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html
well what do you think ? Funniest joke in the world or not.
I like it but have heard better.
Read the fine print before you buy :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
I would feel sooooooo stupid..
Read the fine print
http://cgi.ebay.ca/Sony-PlayStation-3-Game-console_W0QQitemZ140055419709QQihZ004QQcategoryZ62054QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
Did the earth move for you?
Quote:
Three people were badly hurt in a luxury Spanish hotel on Thursday when two tourists in a bed crashed through the floor onto a man renovating the room below.
The article is here
Seriously earthmoving sex that must have been
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
Disorder in court These are from a book called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
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