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an ode to my daily depression

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  • it’s been a while since i have been able to get on the net and just tell some one about my depression. i know that i can make it but some days seem to be worse then others. i drift sometimes and i wish i would just come back to reality,but i know that i am lost and i can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel.most ppl tell me to look deepinside myself and find my happy place, and well i try but it is hard. i guess i’m glad that i have found my muisc it helps me to escape from my life and makes me feel that all is right with my when i feel that i want to die or that i need to cut myself to watch me bleed that helps it hurts but it makes me feel good and well i don’t want to do it but i do. i guess this is not much of an ode but i just needed to let it out so as depressed as i am i guess ijust well i just want to get better and i’m sorry if i am boring you all but i just need to let it you ever get depressed how does it make you feel…………..


    We all have ups and downs, I guess what differenciates us all is the manner in which we cope with them. If something in particular’s causing you to feel low, I would suggest you do something about it. If it’s out of your control, it may sound silly, but I’d try not to let it bother you. Regarding your friend’s suggestion to look inside yourself in order to find strength, it’s a good means of overcoming depression although some people do get a lot lower than others.

    Anyway, I hope some of the above helps.

    He girl, good on you for sharing, Don’t feel unusuak for feeling this way, one of the problems with depression is it isolation. you have made a big step in talking about it (even here in a near vaccume)

    When you cut yourself you are releasing chemicals called endorphines thses give you a high(from which you will crash) which distracts you from whats going on in your life, serious depression causes chemical changes in the brain and don’t be afraid to get help with this a short course of anti depresants can help stabal;ise this.

    Some people will use drugs or alcohol to modify their mood none of this addresses the reasons behind the way you are feeling and really talking about what and why you feel and getting right down in there is the only real avenue of escape.

    I wish you strength and send you love.


    Dear Soulphreak,
    When I was younger I hated myself and cut my arms as a way of expressing the anger, frustration and pain that were a part of my everyday life. I have suffered from depression for years (it comes and goes but it’s always there) – and I have tried everything from anti-depressants to therapy to try and get rid of it . I know what it feels like to be down in that hole , all alone , crying out for help. The truth is that no one can help. Everybody is in their own hole and most times oblivious to the pain of others except when confronted with it directly. Please stop cutting yourself – it will only make things worse in the future.

    There’s only one reason you are suffering now. It’s so that when you are finally happy you really appreciate it. And believe me , one day you are going to be so happy you could burst. I promise.

    I hope what I’ve said has helped you. Please try and accept yourself the way you are and if you can do that you’ll never be unhappy again.

    Peace, love and empathy


    you’re not the only one, I have also over the years suffered from depression and to a great extent still do.

    In fact I “retired” from partying a year ago (having been a DJ for 12 years and involved in sound systems for 6) – I eventually found the stress of sorting out parties and the come-downs afterwards outweighed the good times – my involvement in the scene was making things worse rather than better.

    cliffchuff is spot on about how you cannot really escape these feelings by drugs – the problems will always come back to you in the end on top of the comedown.

    recently I have also been really down, a crew I was involved with folded with everyone falling out with one another, groups of friends on the scene have been ripping each other off, and I’ve seen countless “collective projects” in my area fold as well because not everyone puts in their effort and it all goes pear shaped.

    I am also the sort of guy who is really worried about the state of the party scene and the world in general, I can’t let go and enjoy myself when I think something is wrong is happening at a party where people aren’t respecting the vibe, the crews or each other (this had been happening recentlly in my area)

    I even destroyed all my archive material of parties – photos, videos, articles I had written, artwork I had produced, the whole fucking lot as when I was looking at it made me feel worse – I would look at it and think “x doesn’t speak to y any more” – “that couple broke up a few months ago” – “that girl in the photo is now into heroin and is fucked up now” – “that bloke next to her overdosed”. etc. It was more like looking at war photos (from the POV of a battle-scarred soldier) than something fun 🙁

    Although this scene can be fun at times it also can be very hard on your mind and body. Some of my friends didn’t know when to stop and now they are casualties of battle in various forms. Look after yourself and know when to retreat if required – there’s no shame in it.

    I may not be very active on the party scene now but I still listen to the music sometimes and still take an interest in whats going on, and I have managed to keep my sanity and body intact so that is a good thing!

    As for endorphins etc – its worth knowing you can release these by exercise rather than self-harm.

    Get a bicycle! this may seem strange and hippyish but in 2001 these homeless guys who I helped wire up their electric power in their squat built me a bicycle, since then I have ridden one everywhere.

    I found that you can get rid of your depression by riding a bike as this has the same effect of releasing endorphins. it is far healthier and safer than self-harm (unless you fall off or get in a collision, so if you do get one and haven’t ridden for a while take it slow at first!)

    Plus you get to explore countryside away from the hectic city or even an outdoor party site where you are also worrying about the rig (if you are in a crew) or whether the police will bust the site

    {remember though that endorphins cause a comedown as well. there is info on the net and in libraries in the sports sections on how to recover from exercise – perhaps this may even be useful for ravers!}

    I should perhaps point out I’m fairly old (30+) and have done a fair bit of partying in my time so perhaps I’m a bit more jaded with regard to the “blind hedonism” bit of the scene, (you seem like you have just started getting involved) but I have a fair bit of experience with regard to the deeper issues – and I’ve seen my friends get dragged down and don’t want to see any more casualties

    At the end of the day its up to you what you do – and my (rather extreme) methods may not be the best for you – but please keep everything in perspective. There is a way out from depression, even if it involves lifestyle changes or even taking a rest from partying for a bit until things are better.

    GL / Reading-UK

    i found the light at the end of the tunnel, it IS there – you just gotta take the right directions & find the right path to find it 🙂

    people can support you but at the end of the day, no-one can help you but yourself.
    takes a lot of inner work, discovering the real you and working with your weaknesses to find happiness, and it takes time…be patient – you’ll get there.

    take care


    I know exactly how you feel. I have been dealing with depression for the last few years. Although I was once on medication, I felt the side effects were worse than the depression. I made the decision to go off the pills.

    Depression has changed me as a person. I feel a deep void within myself. My vitality and energy are gone. My mind races. I take my frustration out on my boyfriend. That’s the worst part, seeing the pain I cause him.

    The happiness produced by some drugs is a nice release. Its a break from the tedium of daily life. After years of partying, I’ve come to realize that I have to be prepared for the disapointment of returning to my regular life. Everything will be the same or worse the next day.

    I know there is happiness and clarity somewhere in my future, I simply need to find the best way to bring myself there. I hope you do too.

    I have also been depressed, that being a main reason I have not been on the board in a while….. many MANY young (n not so young) people are depressed & jaded w/ the party scene & especially the world in general….. The world is going to shit due to a handful of people in power serving only their own interests for personal gain & delusions of grandeur… to them, we are but pawns- the consumers- we feed their machine, in a way, it IS like the Matrix & I’m not even a sci-fi buff…..

    I’m also jaded w/ the party scene, all my $ & effort went into my trying to bring ppl a unique experience & I became a sponge who had been wrung dry. Everyone is out for themselves & if you’re NOT like them, then they feed off you, taking your kindness for weakness.

    in the end, all we ppl who believe we’re ‘crazy’ b/c we’re not able to put on rose-colored glasses will discover we’ve had good reason to feel something is terribly wrong…. For something is, indeed, terribly wrong.

    Be informed.

    and do a search for ‘executive order 12919’ & read the whole thing- (even though it’s quite Orwellian, the double-speak is quite obvious) it is truly frightening to see what this authorizes the US gov’t to do to its people…. The New World Order is NOT just some crazy theory. I am quite sane… but very depressed due to the harsh realities of this foul year of our Lord.

    enough gloom n doom 4 now. Cheers.

    Lady Luck

    With me, depression comes in waves of 2 to 3 months with 3 to 4 years in between apparently. A sudden and not entirely voluntary change of lifestyle was the main reason for last one (having to move from Holland to Belgium – no job and change of profession, different country, having to leave my mates). But whatever the gloom and sadness, there indeed IS light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you’re surrounded by a supportive environment, you know that love and care are no empty words. And as the human mind is quite adaptive, once you’re on your way you take pleasure in your new situation by seeing positive aspects too. In the end, you forget to look at the negatives, and you’re back on track…

    I hope y’all can enjoy this fantastic summer, get out and join the vibe – we wouldn’t want to catch a winter depression by lack of sun would we 😉

    I have been suffering from depression for a couple of years. Every time i see the doctor nothing happens. I have asked the doc for anti-depressants no hope.

    I guess I’ve learnt to deal with it however I am a different person to what used to be, i remember the happy days of repression. I know what caused my depression- X. I have had a friend who used to rave every weekend and take about 8 pills, he tried to kill himself twice due to depression. I believe it was caused by a combination of x and his lifestyle. Ecstasy appears to makes you lose happiness fast if you take large doses. Within my circle of friends only a handful now take them.

    Happiness is hard to acquire, easy to lose.

    you should hang in there. eventually, the day will come when all will be better. try to imagine happier things. depression can be very hard, but you can get help. good luck…

    well … i know excatly how you feel 🙁 … i have lived in a land of depression for 6 months – meaning i have been constantly depressed … well … pills helped me … SSRI … you should try it – you can`t lose much from trying it ….

    Depression is hardcore and one of the bastards about it is that you find it hard to beleive you can get better or it’s even worth it at all. Personally, i beleive my depression was triggered by ecstacy use, and decided to leave that shit alone for a year. that, combined with fruit for breakfast, cycling round to mates houses and taking my basket ball, diablo and ganja down the park (stuff that releases endorphines) sorted me out. one of the best single things i did was go raving, dance all night to the break of dawn and not do any drugs. this may seem petty but it gave me a sense of acheivement, and that, i think, is key.
    Good Luck

    You are worthy of prasie … but sometimes ppl dont`t have approximately 6 months of time to recover fotm depression … and then SSRI are a solution …. but if you really can`t stop using ATS then you should take one single SSRI 6 hours after taking last ekstazi … and i guarantee you – there will be no sad moments 😉

    Remember Atlas?
    The greek hero that held the world on his shoulders. Drugs can take that world of your back and make you feel free.
    However the comedown can sometimes mean that in return, you have to pick up 2 worlds a day or two after.
    Take a break from the drugs for a bit, go out and enjoy yourself, DETOX. If when you return and things are still bad, then stop doing them. It may seem hard but weaker minds have suceeded where we have all failed.






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Forums Life Health & Medicine Depression an ode to my daily depression