Started shooting h 7 months ago, someone used to shoot for me until I could confidently find a vein myself. If I didn’t have the person I had that introduced me to it, and it was someone else, I honestly think I would be more fucked than I am now. Because I can remember from such a young age wanting to try it, after seeing it on tv and rock bands and shit. But I originally started off shooting MDMA then coke, meth.
Stopped all of that when I met h. First time I tried it was IV’d, so I kind of made my bed there.
I knew 100% what I was getting into. The guy who introduced me to it was in and out of rehab. But the crazy thing about h is (for me), it allows me to remain completely functional.. Which is why its exactly so addictive, again, for me. It has crept up on me, before I know it I am blowing money left, right and centre. But I know if I had access to hydro’s still, I wouldn’t be on the h.
I am sensitive to it, which is great in the sense that I don’t do much at a time; allowing me to escape at least the major physical withdrawals. Having my guy out of town atm, has really made me wanna slow it down. Both my grandmother’s passed unexpectedly one week before this Christmas. One of them, in particular who I was extremely close to. In which, I started/am still using it to cover up emotions. This is what started my substance abuse problem at the age of 16. That’s when it just became my rock. I feel like I don’t need anything/anyone when I have it.
No one knows about my use because I am very conscious in the way I present myself.
But having gone the first time dry, I feel how it’s affected my personality. It’s taken me days to be semi-mindful and stop fiending (as bad, cus it definitely hasn’t stopped.. The constant thoughts/need/desire to get high, but mostly shoot.. Make the days feel like forever, ugh)
I know that when I stop some day, get clean, whatever.. That this will always be with me though. There is nothing that compares to the euphoria I feel on it. The constant comparison of being able to see with rose-tinted glasses on.. And having to take those glasses off forever. After this week, I am really wanting to get back to recreationally using again. I was starting 2 rely on it for feeling upbeat, to stop myself from crying/thinking depressing shit, even going out and socializing with friends.
Gotta remain aware.
