Lately things have been going downhill with my eating disorder and I’ve had enough of it. I’ve had enough of the feelings and the things that go through my head everyday because of it. The other night when I was leaving my uncles house I started crying in front of him. He kept asking me what was wrong and he kept asking if I was thinking of killing myself and all I could say was no, that’s not it. I finally just said “eating…” He sat me down and wouldn’t let me go until I was done crying and had talked about it. I told him I hadn’t eaten since Sunday that week. I tried to tell him I was purging (I didn’t use that word, I just said I had been throwing up my food). He took it as I can’t keep any or much food in because of the built up acids in my stomach and because it shrunk. But he kept saying that he is going to help. That they had all been expecting something was up but were waiting for me to say something. He found a number of a place at the hospital who will do therapy sessions or put us in contact with someone who can and then I’d be getting my weight checked every so often to make sure I’m gaining or stable. I have so many mixed feelings. I want all these thoughts to stop. I don’t want to think about this stuff anymore but I’m afraid. What if they see the scars all over my body from cutting. I don’t want to gain weight, I still feel like I need to lose it and get to my goal weight or maybe farther if its not good enough. I know that it will never be but I’m afraid to give it up. I’m afraid to eat in front of people. I feel weak because everyone is watching me so closely. Everyone has been asking more and more if I am eating or when the last time was. I hate telling the truth. I hate saying that I ate a few days ago because I feel guilty and like I am hurting everyone but then I feel guilty to myself for eating. I don’t like the proud face my mom has when I finally eat something. It makes me feel like I am wronging myself by putting all of that in me.
I know recovery is supposed to be a good and great thing but my fears are getting away and my worst fear of all is the scale. They are going to weigh me and seeing it go up is going to ruin everything. I’d relapse in a minute if I saw it rise. And If I see it go down I am going to want it to go lower. I feel like there is going to never be an end to this whole thing. I want to recover and stop every negative feeling but I’m afraid.
@itsTori 562096 wrote:
Lately things have been going downhill with my eating disorder and I’ve had enough of it. I’ve had enough of the feelings and the things that go through my head everyday because of it. The other night when I was leaving my uncles house I started crying in front of him. He kept asking me what was wrong and he kept asking if I was thinking of killing myself and all I could say was no, that’s not it. I finally just said “eating…” He sat me down and wouldn’t let me go until I was done crying and had talked about it. I told him I hadn’t eaten since Sunday that week. I tried to tell him I was purging (I didn’t use that word, I just said I had been throwing up my food). He took it as I can’t keep any or much food in because of the built up acids in my stomach and because it shrunk. But he kept saying that he is going to help. That they had all been expecting something was up but were waiting for me to say something. He found a number of a place at the hospital who will do therapy sessions or put us in contact with someone who can and then I’d be getting my weight checked every so often to make sure I’m gaining or stable. I have so many mixed feelings. I want all these thoughts to stop. I don’t want to think about this stuff anymore but I’m afraid. What if they see the scars all over my body from cutting. I don’t want to gain weight, I still feel like I need to lose it and get to my goal weight or maybe farther if its not good enough. I know that it will never be but I’m afraid to give it up. I’m afraid to eat in front of people. I feel weak because everyone is watching me so closely. Everyone has been asking more and more if I am eating or when the last time was. I hate telling the truth. I hate saying that I ate a few days ago because I feel guilty and like I am hurting everyone but then I feel guilty to myself for eating. I don’t like the proud face my mom has when I finally eat something. It makes me feel like I am wronging myself by putting all of that in me.
I know recovery is supposed to be a good and great thing but my fears are getting away and my worst fear of all is the scale. They are going to weigh me and seeing it go up is going to ruin everything. I’d relapse in a minute if I saw it rise. And If I see it go down I am going to want it to go lower. I feel like there is going to never be an end to this whole thing. I want to recover and stop every negative feeling but I’m afraid.
I’m glad to hear that finally you’ve found a family member who is actively trying to help you. You are ill, perhaps more ill than you realise. I think you should take this opportunity for help whilst you can. How long have you been miserable now? I really don’t see how this can put you in a worse state. You need to be strong and overcome your fears.
I know and I’m really trying my hardest to.
@itsTori 562105 wrote:
I know and I’m really trying my hardest to.
I know your eating disorder is not your only issue, and I can see why you don’t want to gain weight because of that too. But unless you get help your eating disorder will never go away, perhaps even worsen. Take this opportunity to overcome this problem and you’ll be in a healthier physical and mental state to tackle your other issues 😉
@The Psyentist 562107 wrote:
I know your eating disorder is not your only issue, and I can see why you don’t want to gain weight because of that too. But unless you get help your eating disorder will never go away, perhaps even worsen. Take this opportunity to overcome this problem and you’ll be in a healthier physical and mental state to tackle your other issues 😉
I don’t think anyone believes me. My mom hasn’t said anything about it yet and I think its because I have eaten some every day… Maybe she wants me to say something but I don’t know how. And this thing with being treated like a baby (by everyone in every day life) annoys me.
Chin up and don’t let the bastards get you down!
🙁
the folk at the hospital know what your correct weight should be; it depends on your height, age and other health matters; their equipment will be more accurate than some bathroom scales from Walmart. Being too fat can be unhealthy (and uncool) but being too thin can be worse. It doesn’t matter if your weight goes up slightly; the people there will warn you if you are putting on too much weight.
In Europe both girls and boys become so self-conscious about their bodies that they do not eat properly; as they want to “look good” in social situations. This, combined with use of alcohol and other drugs, late nights/long weekends can reduce their physical health to the level that they can end up with life threatening conditions which would only have been minor if they were in better shape.
@General Lighting 562127 wrote:
the folk at the hospital know what your correct weight should be; it depends on your height, age and other health matters; their equipment will be more accurate than some bathroom scales from Walmart. Being too fat can be unhealthy (and uncool) but being too thin can be worse. It doesn’t matter if your weight goes up slightly; the people there will warn you if you are putting on too much weight.
In Europe both girls and boys become so self-conscious about their bodies that they do not eat properly; as they want to “look good” in social situations. This, combined with use of alcohol and other drugs, late nights/long weekends can reduce their physical health to the level that they can end up with life threatening conditions which would only have been minor if they were in better shape.
I can’t see the weight go up at all. And now I don’t think a hospital or seeing anyone is going to happen. My mom doesn’t believe me because I’ve been eating (most of the time less than 1000 calories a day, even if Mountain Dew was counted in there). Now were planning on going to Florida so while they get to go swimming outside or do outdoor activities I would have been stuck inside but lucky me, the resort or whatever the place is has a gym so I can work out while they are gone doing things. I’ll be unseen most of the time so I won’t be on “food watch” to make sure I’m actually eating… I don’t think anymore has to be said for me to tell what will happen. I know its bad but I can’t stop. No one will believe me…
Gah that’s the worst thing when you’re trying to seek help and people don’t take you seriously. It took me quite a while (as in a year +) to properly convince my parents how bad my drinking was. They knew I got drunk all the time, like everyday, but I think they were in denial so much that when I started to tell them how bad it’d gotten, they just kinda blocked it out and didn’t understand that I couldn’t just stop with the click of my figures, as I actually physically needed it and would get very ill without it.
There really is nothing more frustrating then trying to convince someone you have a problem and they aren’t taking it seriously, especially if it’s your immediate family. When you bring it up with your mum, is it in a heated argument or any conversation even slightly confrontational? If so I’d suggest to sit her down when every one is in a relaxed state of mind and calmly explain it all to her. If however you’re already doing this, or it didn’t improve anything, then you need to get through to her another way.
I think the only way to really do this (at least from my opinion) is to be very repetitive. By this I don’t mean keep repeating your self over and over every sentence or anything like that. I just mean regularly sit your mum down and tell her what’s going on in tori’s world as much as you can. Hopefully over time you’re mum will start to realize that you actually are very vulnerable atm and need her help on this. Try even telling her you need her help in your regular sit down talks. Try and be as open as possible as with her about what you want her to know, no matter what she does/says. The more you do this, the more she’ll start to listen as you’ll keep reaffirming your situation’s truth in her head, rather then let it slip down behind her protective brick wall that it sounds like she does.
I hope that all made sense.
We all have faith in you here and know you’ll get it sorted, just remember to never give up trying to get your self some good help.
Best of wished Tori.
Daft
@DaftFader 562131 wrote:
Gah that’s the worst thing when you’re trying to seek help and people don’t take you seriously. It took me quite a while (as in a year +) to properly convince my parents how bad my drinking was. They knew I got drunk all the time, like everyday, but I think they were in denial so much that when I started to tell them how bad it’d gotten, they just kinda blocked it out and didn’t understand that I couldn’t just stop with the click of my figures, as I actually physically needed it and would get very ill without it.
There really is nothing more frustrating then trying to convince someone you have a problem and they aren’t taking it seriously, especially if it’s your immediate family. When you bring it up with your mum, is it in a heated argument or any conversation even slightly confrontational? If so I’d suggest to sit her down when every one is in a relaxed state of mind and calmly explain it all to her. If however you’re already doing this, or it didn’t improve anything, then you need to get through to her another way.
I think the only way to really do this (at least from my opinion) is to be very repetitive. By this I don’t mean keep repeating your self over and over every sentence or anything like that. I just mean regularly sit your mum down and tell her what’s going on in tori’s world as much as you can. Hopefully over time you’re mum will start to realize that you actually are very vulnerable atm and need her help on this. Try even telling her you need her help in your regular sit down talks. Try and be as open as possible as with her about what you want her to know, no matter what she does/says. The more you do this, the more she’ll start to listen as you’ll keep reaffirming your situation’s truth in her head, rather then let it slip down behind her protective brick wall that it sounds like she does.
I hope that all made sense.
We all have faith in you here and know you’ll get it sorted, just remember to never give up trying to get your self some good help.
Best of wished Tori.
Daft
I try to bring it up the best I can but most of the time it ends up in a heated argument. Thanks
If it starts to get heated, you have to take control of the situation and don’t let your self get swept up in the angry emotions and try to stay calm. It’s very easy for people who want to start an argument to be able to start one if the other person gets angry too, but if the other person stays calm, it’s a hell of a lot harder for the other person to start a full blown argument as it will be just them getting angry and not you. People will notice more that they are the only one shouting or getting angry and tend to calm down more readily as more often then not, in an argument, the person starting it wants to be in the right, and shouting at someone who’s not shouting at you generally isn’t considered right in peoples minds, so hopefully subconsciously it will help to keep the situation at a more civil level and hopefully allow you to get your point across better.
@itsTori 562108 wrote:
I don’t think anyone believes me. My mom hasn’t said anything about it yet and I think its because I have eaten some every day… Maybe she wants me to say something but I don’t know how. And this thing with being treated like a baby (by everyone in every day life) annoys me.
The fact that everyone is treating you like a baby is a sure sign that they’re aware of how ill you are (perhaps not the depth and complexity of it but acknowledgement that you’ve gone beyond the threshold of sustaining independence), but also an indication that they care. They’re clearly sensing your vulnerability and want to protect you, like you would an infant that can’t care for themselves.
I’ve been there myself although for very different reasons. When I become very ill I can reach a catatonic state; resulting in my friends and family having to pretty much feed me and care for me as I’m unable to do it myself when in that state.
But keep battling forwards, it won’t be easy and at times you’ll want to give up. But you can beat this if you really want to with the appropriate professional help.
Good luck
x
@DaftFader 562133 wrote:
If it starts to get heated, you have to take control of the situation and don’t let your self get swept up in the angry emotions and try to stay calm. It’s very easy for people who want to start an argument to be able to start one if the other person gets angry too, but if the other person stays calm, it’s a hell of a lot harder for the other person to start a full blown argument as it will be just them getting angry and not you. People will notice more that they are the only one shouting or getting angry and tend to calm down more readily as more often then not, in an argument, the person starting it wants to be in the right, and shouting at someone who’s not shouting at you generally isn’t considered right in peoples minds, so hopefully subconsciously it will help to keep the situation at a more civil level and hopefully allow you to get your point across better.
I don’t know why she would even yell at me for bringing it up if I did. I’m asking for help because some part of me doesn’t want to die from my ed (just that:hopeless:).
@The Psyentist 562135 wrote:
The fact that everyone is treating you like a baby is a sure sign that they’re aware of how ill you are (perhaps not the depth and complexity of it but acknowledgement that you’ve gone beyond the threshold of sustaining independence), but also an indication that they care. They’re clearly sensing your vulnerability and want to protect you, like you would an infant that can’t care for themselves.
I’ve been there myself although for very different reasons. When I become very ill I can reach a catatonic state; resulting in my friends and family having to pretty much feed me and care for me as I’m unable to do it myself when in that state.
But keep battling forwards, it won’t be easy and at times you’ll want to give up. But you can beat this if you really want to with the appropriate professional help.
Good luck
x
I know that they’re doing it because they care but being asked if I ate or giving me the sad, “please eat!” look all the time makes me feel guilty and that I might have to lie or say I don’t know when the last time was (because I actually do say that). 🙁
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