Found these on a newsgroup; they were collected by someone searching for a job and are exactly as they appeared on various websites and mailing lists.
Newspaper advertised [in their own paper] for a “Deputy Cheif Sub” and a
strapline “You will need to be: Thorough but not pedantic”
“Proofreader” – …you will be expected to accurately poof all documents
and correct speling and grammer… [via JCP]
“Departmental Manager” – …a good motivator…you will take charge of
the Stationary Department… [via JCP]
“Network Technician” – …must be expert at breaking networks…
[company website]
“Compliance Manager” – … must have extensive experience in committing
fraud… [agency website]
“Data Entry Clerk” – … must have scored close to 1% error free during
registration test… [agency website]
“Administrator” – …remarkable individual required to aid in losing
documents… [via DGU]
“Warehouse Manager” – …able to lift 56t unaided… [via JCP]
“Administration Manager” – … should show previous experience close to
100% error. [via JCP]
“School Administrator” – …accurate filleting an advantage… [via DGU]
“Helpdesk Operative” – …previous experience of insulting clients
expected [via JCP]
“Administration Assistant” – …must have 200 years office experience
[via JCP]
“Administrator” – …must have Humane Killing certification… [via JCP]
(this one was actually for an abattoir near Taunton as the rest of the
text made clear. What it was doing under IT Technicians with a Wrexham
JCP code remains a mystery).
“Court Usher” – …inclination to criminality expected… [via JCP]
“Document Proofreader” – Insert job text here [agency website]
(plus about 14 others with the same enticing text)
“Internet Engineer” – Must have 4+ years experience in something I can’t
read. [via JCP].
“Administrator” – …will be adept at dealing with inconvenient
documents [via DGU]
“Office Junior” – …will suit recent graduate…no advancement possible
in this position… [via JCP]
“PA to Finance Manager” – …must have knowledge of mice… [via JCP]
“Office Cleaner” – …hover daily… [company website]
“Administrator” – …must have excellent telephone and hair… [via JCP]
“Data Engineer” – …must be experienced with bras… [via JCP]
“Filing Clerk” – …must have cat due to location of office… [via DGU]
“Records Clerk” – …will be working with certifiable staff… [agency
website]
“NVQ Assessor” – …some torching of trainees… [agency website]
“Planner” – …adept at sitting… [via JCP]
“Administrator” – …must be used to busty office… [via JCP]
“Clerk” – …ability to locate missing flies…[via JCP]
“School Clerk” – Lady administrator required for Girls School…will be
under the Headmaster most of the time… [agency website]
“Administrator” – …Employer is a Cheese Processor…candidates must be
mature… [agency website]
“Senior Pensions Clerk” – …must have good figure as Pensions Manager
will be looking at you. [via JCP]
“Administrator” – …must have own telephone and cat… [via JCP]
“Administrator” – …expected to sit. [via DGU]
“Computer Archive Administrator” – …will be dealing with zips and
other flies… [agency website]
“Administrator” – …quick leerer required… [via JCP]
“Compliance Clerk” – …must be good at clock watching… [agency
website]
“Administrator” – …ability to speak an advantage. [via JCP]
“Corporate Hospitality Clerk” – …excellent when under people…
[agency website]
Sometimes job titles get shortened to fit in the space – eg Admin for
Administrator, Asst for Assistant or just get chopped off at the size
boundary. All from one agency…
“FM (Pension Dept) Admin Asst” – …Finance Manager is looking for a
suitable ass to help…
“LEA Rec Off Prj Mgr Adm Asst”
“Recycling Administration Ass”
“Audio Typist & Secretary Fun”
“PA and Secretary for the Man”
Not an error in sight but my favourite and one that I applied for:
“Records Clerk” – Must have an enquiring mind and be keen to investigate
discrepancies and missing documents as the position involves checking
and fixing 6 months of filing by the previous encumbent. Temporary
position for as long as it takes. Immediate start. [agency website]
*JCP == Job Centre Plus website
*DGU == direct.gov.uk website
