Bad Joke Thread

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.
So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?”
The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire!”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

@Angel 572356 wrote:

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

:hiding:

Can’t argue with that. Sometimes I can’t tell which one’s my dad.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Why doesn’t viagra work on chavs?

They are only ever hard when they have 10 mates behind them.

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I’m going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I’ll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I’m going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I’ll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let’s see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
“Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
“Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Sobbing…
Naked…
and erect.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you fucker!”

He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ‘fuck off it’ll be too painful.'”

[6 General Lighting @general-lighting Moderator Staff]

Kees (NL) and Hans (DE) are two middle aged dudes who live in border areas– Kees lives in Ouwe Pekela Groningen (NL) and Hans in Lower Saxony (DE).

They have been good friends (Kamaraden) since the 1980s when they were young men and worked on big marine and building projects together; neither of them got married and today they are retired – Kees often helps out on farms and with brewing of beer (and sometimes growing other plants) and Hans fixes up busted and defective electronics and computer equipment for the neighbourhood. They are thus well respected and otherwise have all the time in the world to drink bier and hang around the towns and villages; especially at weekends.

Often they spend many hours in the bar, and after many litres of bier they will go on their bicycles across the bridge (less risk of traffic controls) to each others houses in the country (alternating between DE and NL) to recover. One weekend Kees says to Hans – “hey! When you get back to mine you can see the beautiful new talking cow I got at the market; for only a few Euros! She even speaks Grunnegs!” (the Groningen dialect)”

Hans is intrigued; although Kees is known to look after random stray pets and other creatures; this is the first time a talking animal is mentioned (he wonders if Kees has been going to hardstyle raves again with his neighbours grandchildren; and sampling the mooie pillen).

When they get back to Kees farmhouse; in the back yard is a small pony. And this is their conversation before they end up drunkenly falling asleep in the barn.

Hans :“so this is Dutch humour? maybe you really should buy some newer Spectacles; and stop with those pills on top of the wiet and bier and gin. Well at least you have stopped her ending up in the Sausages, but you must take care not to end up in the retirement home yourself for this rare behaviour.”

Kees : – “Hans, normally everything you say is good advice; but tonight this is false, I know well she is a cow; and speaks good Grunnegs!”

Hans : “how so?”

Kees : “ik breng hoar noar mien huus en heb in hoar oor gefluisterd – Bist doe een peerd?” (I bring her back home and whispered in her ear; are you a horse?)

En zai antwoorde noar mij – “neeee!”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

Scientific Research

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

And there was me thinking you were on about a womans head lol.

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van. He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up.
They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him.
The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van. A few minutes later the same thing happens.
The hitchhiker said “Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that”
The driver says ” Do you want to try it?” The hitchhiker said “Yes, But don’t hit me that hard!”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn’t understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I remember when my son was born. His mum was shouting the usual shit, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to me and said, “You did this to me, you fucker!”
I replied, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ‘fuck off it’ll be too painful.'”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I don’t know what’s happening in this country. You’ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It’s a nightmare – you don’t know whether to carry sweets or money.

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