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  • A burglar broke into a house one night.

    He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

    When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

    “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

    The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

    “Moses,” replied the bird.

    “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

    “The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”

    :lol_big:

    A man finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.

    The rabbit is dead and the man panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house.

    He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

    A few days later, the neighbor asks the man, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

    The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?”

    The neighbor replies, “We found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”

    :laugh_at: :lol_big:

    lol

    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

    The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’

    The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’

    The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

    The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.’

    tryptameanie Thought you might get a giggle from this Aussies take on Oscars predicament

    https://youtu.be/S9MdQpT684c

    As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

    “I really need a new fuckin boat,” I thought to myself.

    What’s the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?

    One of them’s already full of holes before the cops see them.

    What’s the difference between a blowjob and anal sex?

    One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak.

    I was raped by a group of mimes.

    They did unspeakable things to me.

    A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”

    “What happened?” The father asks.

    “Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9 * 7?’ so I asked ‘what’s the fucking difference?’ “

    “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”

    The next day, the boy comes home from school “Dad, have you gone by the school?” He asks.

    “Not yet.”

    “Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”

    “Why?” asks the father.

    The boy explains, “Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked ‘What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'”

    “Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”

    The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?”

    “No, not yet.”

    “Don’t bother, I got expelled.”

    Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

    “Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

    “The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

    “That’s what I said” replied the boy.

    My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

    But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

    A posh Englishman travels to NI in the early 1980s.

    A local stops him in the street and aggressively asks him

    “Catholic or Protestant?”

    The Englishman replies

    “Atheist”.

    The Irishman hesitates for a few seconds and then asks again

    Catholic or Protestant atheist?”

    :lol_big:

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