Funny Jokes

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March 13, 2008 at 7:24 pm

#897248
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”

The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”
The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”
The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A’s won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says, “He did??”
The parrot says, “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says, “My God, what happened next?!?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
March 13, 2008 at 7:27 pm

#897249
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
An Aussie, Irishman and American are about to have lunch on 35th floor of a construction site.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box to discover a vegimite sandwich, he groans “If my wife makes me another Vegimite sandwich I’m going to jump off this building”

The American opens up his lunch box and discovers a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, he turns to the 2 man and says “If my wife makes me another peanut and jelly sandwich I’m jumping off too”

The Irish mans opens his lunch box to discover a ham sandwich, he turns to the other two man and says “If I get another ham sandwich I’m jumping as well”

The next day at lunch the Aussie opens up his lunch box and finds a Vegimite sandwich, so he jumps. The American opens his lunch box finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and jumps off. The Irishman opens his lunch box and finds a ham sandwich and he jumps too.

A week later at the funeral all the wives are gathered in a circle crying.

The wife of the Aussie says ‘Why did I only make him vegimite sandwiches, I could have changed it at least once?
The American wife says ‘I should have made a different sandwich and not the same one every day”
The wife of the Irishman stood back in confusion, looked at the two woman and said “I don’t understand it – he makes his own lunch”
March 13, 2008 at 7:27 pm

#897250
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Muffles, lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, “Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?” Thinking quickly, her dad replied, “This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier.”

The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, “Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today.”

Flustered, her father said, “Honey what happened?” And Susie said, “Well, Mommy’s legs were up in the air and she was screaming ‘Oh Jesus, I’m coming I’m coming’ and if it wasn’t for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner.”
March 13, 2008 at 7:32 pm

#897251
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A new farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep shagging and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

“No,” she says,……
“they’re all in the lorry … and one of them is beeping the horn.”
March 13, 2008 at 7:34 pm

#897252
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me”, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

“Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t”
March 13, 2008 at 7:35 pm

#897253
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Jeff, “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard on every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Dave with a smile.
“Well,” says Jeff, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Dave, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Jeff, “but I was worried I’d get a stiffy again. So I got some sellotape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible.” says Dave.
“So I get to her door,” says Jeff, “and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
Jeff huddles over the bar again. “I kicked her in the face.”
March 13, 2008 at 7:39 pm

#897254
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My dick’s gone orange.”

The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy’s dick is bright orange.

Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.” Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, “How are things going at work?”

The guy responds that he was sacked about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, “No. The boss was a bastard, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and my new boss is really great.”

So the doc asks the guy, “How’s your home life?”

The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy’s stress.

Guy says, “No. For years all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.”

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?”

The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit at home,watch porno films and eat Wotsits.”
March 13, 2008 at 7:50 pm

#897561
6

Angel

@angel

Moderator
Staff
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
March 13, 2008 at 7:53 pm

#897255
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
Morris and his wife, Esther went to the state fair every year.

Every year, Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 and
$50 is $50.”

A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter is $50 and $50 dollars is $50.”

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word,i won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s $50.”

Morris and Esther agreed — and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but $50 is $50.”
March 13, 2008 at 7:56 pm

#897256
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.

The nutritionist says “It’s simple – you are what you eat”.

so the lesbian turns to her and says…

“Are you calling me a cunt?”
March 17, 2008 at 11:27 am

#897375
1

lilmstrixta

@lilmstrixta

Member
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……
Ar e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k .“
March 17, 2008 at 11:04 pm

#897257
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.

While he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, What?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…..WHOLE!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, ” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up it’s butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, What?” replies the guy.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, ” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!!”
March 17, 2008 at 11:05 pm

#897258
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A guy is driving around Ireland and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.
“Yes, I do,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten pounds,” the Paddy says.

“Ten ponds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a fucking liar…. He never did any of that shit!!!”
March 17, 2008 at 11:14 pm

#897259
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man’s penis.
“Sorry,” says the taller man. “I’m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I’ve ever seen, especially on a man so small!”
“Well,” says the little man, “That’s because I’m a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!”
The taller man says, “Incredible! I’d give anything if mine were that long.”
“Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I’ll give you your wish!”
“Gee,” says the man, “I don’t know about that—-Aw hell with it, OK!”
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away. “Say,” says the Leprechaun, “How old are you, son?”
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, “Uh-Uh, Thirty-two…”
“Imagine that, ” says the little man, “Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!”
March 17, 2008 at 11:20 pm

#897260
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any Bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any fucking bread.”

Duck says: “Got any bread?”

Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any fucking bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!”

Duck says: “Got any nails?”

Barman says: “No”

Duck says: “Got any bread?
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