Dictionary definitions DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrualcycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside
No offence ment to anyone :groucho:
UK : SW : Elderly vegetable thief gets Asbo That has to be one of the best comedy headlines I have seen recently..
A 76-year-old man who stole vegetables and ornaments from gardens and allotments has been served with an anti-social behaviour order (Asbo). Magistrates heard how Phillip Powne, from Yate, near Bristol, had caused considerable distress to the residents of Iron Acton.
He trespassed through gardens and allotments in the early hours, stealing ornaments, wheelbarrows and vegetables.
He is now prevented from entering private gardens by the five-year Asbo.
Philippa Isbell, of South Gloucestershire Council, said: "We hope that this Asbo will reinforce the seriousness of Powne's antisocial behaviour."
A piggy passenger.. An old Suffolk pig farmer has become quite successful over the years, and makes enough money to buy a new two seater sports car...
One day he plans to take a prize sow to market; but his farmhand finds he can't start the old motor van... He asks "well what do I do now?"
The pig farmer replies "Don't worry... put some old sheets on the passenger seat of my car, and I'll take her to market myself"
The farmhand is shocked by this and says....
"Surely you're not thinking of putting that muddy pig in your brand new car?"
The farmer replies...
"Why not? She helped pay for it, I don't see why she can't have a lift in it.."
Different lovesong :laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at:
Quote:
A new love song CD with a difference could make a splash by featuring sea creatures including an amorous haddock.
Read story and listen here
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/north_east/6301613.stm
UK : Midlands : Tenants converted council home into "nightclub"… From todays Grauniad...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/print/0,,329696924-103690,00.html
Tenants 'converted council homes into nightclub'
Dan Bell
Friday January 26, 2007
Guardian
A council tenant knocked two houses into one to create an illegal nightclub in which were installed a pool table, fruit machines, disco lights and a bar complete with optics, a court has heard.
Glen Gordon, 40, and his partner, Alviria Benjamin, face being forced out of the eight-bedroom property after hosting wild parties in his living room and charging "clubbers" a £2.50 entrance fee, Walsall county court was told.
The court heard that installation of a bar, glitter ball, disco lights, a 42-inch television, a gym and a sauna proved the house was "not being used normally", and that the council should be allowed to repossess it. Sandwell council's representative, Catherine Rowlands, seeking a possession order, said: "In the summer of 2004, the police logs state that a staggering 400 people visited the property within a 36-hour period.The house had been set up as a club. At one stage, it is said it was £2.50 entry and £2.50 a beer."
Allegations of running a nightclub, as well as drug dealing, rent arrears and anti-social behaviour, have been levelled at the family during the case. All the allegations have been denied.
One allegation is that one of Mrs Benjamin's sons grew cannabis in his bedroom and it could be smelled by council officials. But she insisted the odour was that of her son's feet. The case continues.
proud to be british…? Location: In The Shadow Of Leaves
Posts: 2,771
Current Mood:
proud to be british??
DOubt all the facts at the end are true....and appologies if this has been posted b4 but......found it VERY funny just now when i was clearing out my emails inbox....
.................................................. .................................................. ..........
Proud to be British ??
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it
means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one
from
a chap in Switzerland...
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian
beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab
on
the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American TV shows on a
Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and!!!!!
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a
DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the
counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to
talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating
rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the
fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations
were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling
accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of
the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening
bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control
Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.
Proud to be British???
Ring thief :) Stupid idiot
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:
Quote:
X-ray showing ring in stomach
Thief's Wedding Bowels
A groom has paid a heavy price for trying to get the perfect ring for his bride to be.
Simon Hopper has been jailed for 12 weeks after admitting stealing a £1750 symbol of love by swallowing it.
While viewing a selection of rings at a jewellers in Dorchester he waited until the owner's back was turned then gulped down the ring - price tag and all.
Jeweller Fred Burgess asked Hopper where the ring was.
"He told me he'd given it back to me and I knew he hadn't so I called the police," Mr Burgess said.
Officers arrived in a couple of minutes and searched Hopper but could find no trace of the platinum ring.
Then when one of the officers ran a metal detector over his stomach the alarm sounded.
They took him to hospital where an x-ray revealed an object in his stomach that looked suspiciously like the ring in question.
Hopper claimed it must have been a canned drink ring-pull that he had mistakenly swallowed earlier.
Police decided to hold Hopper in a cell until nature took its course.
Mr Burgess told Sky News : "He managed to hold on for four days but then the inevitable happened and I got the ring back.
"It's had several good cleans. I'm not sure I'll be revealing it's background to the future buyer."
Smelly feet? How to tell whether you have smelly feet:
[IMG]http://mail01.mail.com/scripts/mail/getattch.mail?folder=INBOX&msg_uid=1168250791&partsno=4[/IMG] [IMG]http://mail01.mail.com/scripts/mail/getattch.mail?folder=INBOX&msg_uid=1168250791&partsno=5[/IMG]
[IMG]http://mail01.mail.com/scripts/mail/getattch.mail?folder=INBOX&msg_uid=1168250791&partsno=6[/IMG][IMG]http://mail01.mail.com/scripts/mail/getattch.mail?folder=INBOX&msg_uid=1168250791&partsno=3[/IMG]
[IMG]http://mail01.mail.com/scripts/mail/getattch.mail?folder=INBOX&msg_uid=1168250791&partsno=2[/IMG]
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