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  • UKIP has apologised for a member’s tweet which said the death of an Asian police officer under investigation in the Rotherham abuse scandal was “karma”.

    A spokesman said, “We want to make it clear we will not tolerate Buddhism in our ranks.”

    My Asian wife has stopped me using airplane sounds when feeding the baby.

    I never do well with women, they always want to hug, cuddle and pillow talk after sex.

    I just like to slam the boot shut, and push the car into the river.

    “There’s actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It’s really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research.”

    Said my Chinese neighbour’s three-year-old son.

    I lost my virginity for a pound today.

    I should never have bent down to pick it up.

    i got chatting to a lass in a club who said “i’m sick of men agreeing with everything i say just cos i’ve got big tits”

    I said “yeah i hate that.”

    You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
    If it sinks: girl ant
    If it floats: boy ant

    You can accurately measure a woman’s intelligence level by giving her a simple prostate exam.
    If she lets you, she’s thick as fuck.

    Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher are to release a joint autobiography about their time at Liverpool. No title yet.

    @portmanteau 588267 wrote:

    Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher are to release a joint autobiography about their time at Liverpool. No title yet.

    [ATTACH=CONFIG]87810[/ATTACH]

    You can accurately measure a woman’s intelligence level by giving her a simple prostate exam.
    If she lets you, she’s thick as fuck.

    @portmanteau 588267 wrote:

    Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher are to release a joint autobiography about their time at Liverpool. No title yet.

    [ATTACH=CONFIG]87811[/ATTACH]

    So Steven Gerrard’s birthday falls on the same day as the FA Cup final.
    What a cracking send off it would be if someone could get him a ticket.

    I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

    What’d the difference between Noahs Ark and Facebook?
    There was less shit on Noahs Ark

    I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn’t contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

    “Here, love, I’ll change gear for you.”

    It seems like that we will soon be able to produce hearts for transplants grown in pigs.

    What absolutely fantastic news! I can’t wait to get home and tell my seriously ill neighbour, Mohammed.

    It seems like that we will soon be able to produce hearts for transplants grown in pigs.

    What absolutely fantastic news! I can’t wait to get home and tell my seriously ill neighbour, Mohammed.

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Forums The Vibe Jokes & Comedy Bad Joke Thread