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My boyfriend is a Heroin Addict… I'm a good girl, and my boyfriend is a Heroin Addict... I'm sure many have heard this one before. Well I hadn't until I became the girlfriend of a heroin addict, and recently research has shown me that its a little bit familiar in the drug community..
I need ADVICE!
I respect the choices everyone makes, and I have made mine, but I just don't know what to do anymore...
So it started in 2004 when i met him, he was so cute, awesome, fun, like a little kid, he was 25 and i was 19. I met him one night through mutual friends who warned me about him. i noticed he had beads around his neck, i asked if they meant anything he said he was a recovering addict. Well little naive me was just like oh, so he's recovering, that means he's all better, yeah. well i had no idea what heroin was about, i am a recreational pot smoker and never met anyone who was addicted to anything but pot. so we dated, and had a great time. he is a good person inside and wouldn't hurt a soul. well i started to notice that he was acting funny sometimes, like almost falling asleep at random moments, shutting his eyes and opening them for a bit? i noticed there were red scabs on his shoulders and scars from scratch marks? itchy much? his mom told me he was on it again but he didn't want to tell me, i asked him so many times but he swore he wasn't. i broke up with him when i found out, although he said he was going to get help.
but after 2 weeks i couldn't bear to not see him, i fell in love with this guy so quickly... well he became an asshole and was awful, i saw him one night out and was just horrible, but i could tell he was high, so i didn't hold it against him, it just really hurt for a while.
i ran into him one night after he got out of rehab, he said he missed me and of course i could not resist. he wanted to hang out so bad, we talked on the phone and made plans, but he just didn't show up, i didn't see him for the whole summer after that and just thought about him all the time.
i ended up calling him on his birthday that September. we started dating again after we talked and he told me he had been clean after going to rehab, he was just afraid to be with me or hurt me again. we dated until i left to leave the country in January of this year, so this is where i need the help...
i returned this mid summer, we kept in touch a bit and couldn't wait to see each other. i called him and he seemed dull sounding and wasn't as excited as i was to see him!! this hurt, but whatever, he had some excuse for being tired o well. he hung out and have been for the past couple weeks. NOW like 2 times i've noticed the sleepy thing he does, he looks flushed and his face is sweaty, he blinks slow, in the car the other day he shut his eyes while driving and looked like falling asleep. i yelled at him, he was like what! i'm just tired. but yeah right, no one does that?? his mom told me this morning that he has the scabs on his arms again, i saw a brand new one yesterday and am totally freaking out again, his sex drive is kind of low, and when we do make it, it takes forever for him to get off.. i just got so tired one night so i was like do it yourself, he said he couldn't, he cant turn himself on??
I love him so much, and have loved him since 04, he did the rehab thing, but i know he needs to do it again now or needs some type of mentoring. he doesn't go to any meetings during the week and doesn't take meds. one big problem though is that he lies to everyone, his family, friends, and ME, but not his one drug addict friend!! i just wish he would be truthful with me, i love him unconditionally, i just don't know what to do anymore. i feel as if he hates it that i don't trust him and i keep asking him... theres no way of catching him, hes so clean about it, but i don't want to catch him, i don't know what i want.
i just want to be there for him....
please leave any advice, addicts who had relationships, please let me know how i can make him open up to me, and his problem! i cant tell if hes lying to everyone just so they don't find out, or if hes lying to himself. i just don't think he wants anyone to realize hes failed again. how do i even have this conversation with him when he denies me?
- Lu12…89
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My Story of Drugs, depression and Victory Since the beginning of my teenage years I’ve developed an awful longing for something or someone- someone to whom I can look up for advice and guidance. Someone with whom I could discuss my problems.
Because I had this need in my life at the age of fourteen, I started smoking as I was following the example of an older friend, Juan Smith. I told him about my depression- the deep dark jungle in which I found myself, with all its crazy pathways, and no way out. He told me he had a similar problem, and so we connected well. I had at last found someone who understood.
To me it felt necessary to gain favour in his eyes. I wanted to prove myself in some way. The two of us started following the example of some other friends by wearing earrings and drinking with the group who drank. It was as if in a strange way I felt secure to be moving in a defined circle rather than standing alone like an orphan who couldn’t share in anything. Someone once said to me that a certain person had fallen so low, that he spent all his time in nightclubs.
I would have wanted to discuss it with my family, but I felt I could not burden them with my problems. I didn’t have the courage or confidence to talk to my mom, as after I all she was just a woman. When my friend persuaded me to go to nightclubs, I felt as if they cared about and accepted me, or so I thought.
I began finding refuge in friends, parties and drugs. Once day Juan said to me,” Hell you are the best! This is why I look up to you.” These words made me feel so good- I could see admiration for me in their eyes.They didn’t realise I was smoking pot, and definitely didn’t know about my depression. It was with great effort that I achieved at school, but only I knew how strenuous it was, and I took pride in having control over my body, and so I wasn’t afraid to start experimenting with drugs.
I thought I had a strong will and would be able to leave it at any time. It was not a logical step for someone who had started out on this gruesome road, to go over to stronger drugs.
The depression became worse- it felt like something inside was eating me up. “Of course I can walk away when I want to! I am the Man!” was my foolish reasoning. To be “high” was an indescribably great sensation- my refuge from the depression- or so I thought.
However, one day, when I had fallen so deeply into the pit of drugs that I was getting withdrawal symptoms when I did not get it, I came to the shocking realisation- “I do not have the strength to leave the drugs” It was now no longer a matter of being “the best” or to experience the enjoyment of an emotional high.
I was shocked to realise that I had become a drug addict because I wanted to be set free from depression, loneliness and wanting to fill that void inside of me.
Both Juan and I. The drugs and my medication did not work together, and there were desperate moments when I felt close to death. Obviously my schoolwork suffered. So it happened that after school I quickly had to roll myself a pot-filled cigarette to smoke on my way home. There was a consuming pain within me when I realised that my parents did not even notice anything- even though we lived in the same house, ate at the same table, we were like strangers to each other. I often wondered whether they didn’t notice my red eyes, as by this time, I was a full-blown drug addict.
Why did I not find my refuge in the Lord? By this stage I had lost all my friends who cared about me, except Juan- maybe because he was going through the same as I was. I often thought,”They don’t have to care about me , they are just a bunch of nerds anyway” I knew that inherently I was a good person; the consequences of my deeds I could shake off like dust from a piece of clothing”.
The shaking of my legs was just the result of tension and stress I would get over it, I believed. As soon as I came to a conclusion, I would be calm again, but then I realised this was just wishful thinking. I was a broken person who had no pride or willpower left.
The pain in my stomach was due to the cheap drugs.(which the dealer mixed with cement and rat poison)
Through all this, this Bible verse stayed with me, and I held onto it.
Psalm 9:10 “And so the Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed. A stronghold in times of trouble”
I knew I was living from moment to moment. I had no self-respect. It didn’t matter anymore whether I used stolen money to buy my stock from a dealer.
With everything in me I wanted to turn around from this intertwining road of depression and satan’s claws “ But I can’t!”, I called out . That evening I dodged my parents and from sheer helplessness banged my head against the wall. “I will commit suicide!” I hissed. But I knew I didn’t even have the courage to commit suicide. Juan depended on me; he believed I was the stronger one who would lift us out of the cesspool of depression and drugs.
I however, saw myself as a weakling. “ Who and what am I now?. An empty shell?A hopeless creature who steals his parent’s money for drugs”. It was my lifeline. Juan said we should try Crack, Coke, Ecstasy and Acid( LSD), but that didn’t help. I had got to the stage that I despised myself, especially when became I mixed up with a bunch of satanists! They suggested I use Heroin, but inside me there was still a small bit of willpower, and I refused.
What Juan did , I did not know.
The next year I was using more drugs than ever before. It was a force outside of me. Juan was like a blood-brother to me. My schoolwork had gone down drastically and it was with the greatest effort that I scraped through Grade 11.
During the school holidays I got this sudden urge to run away. I was sick and tired of everything, including myself. I decided to go. I decided to go on a recce of the Hillbrow streets. I had heard that the Nigerians were in control of the drug dealing.
I suddenly remembered that I had read somewhere that this was the place where you could get anything from drugs to sex to stolen goods with a mere nod of the head and the necessary money! A feeling of guilt took hold of me when I packed my rucksack for my trip to Hillbrow.“ My mom?How would she handle my absence? I” wondered. We lived in almost completely separate worlds, but she was still my mother.
Guilelessly I left home for the unknown still using drugs. I had to get away from this depression, this guilt and the darkness.
But my mom’s face stayed with me and I didn’t want to think about anyone else. It felt like it had been people who had chased me into this wilderness. When I was in the company of people, I felt as if they were cold towards me, but when I was alone with Jesus, I was my old self.
On arrival in Hillbrow, I wandered around and watched the drug addicts- the fact that I was one too, I moved to the background of my thoughts. I was stripped of all emotion. A living corpse. I should have brought Juan along. I was missing him and living alone while fighting depression and drug addiction and having to survive the streets of Hillbrow, without food or a place to sleep - to be begging for a piece of bread, was sheer hell. I was missing home and thought about Juan a lot. At home there was plenty of food and there was always a tin with money from which the servant usually bought bread or milk or vegetables, and from which I could steal what I needed.
The money wasn’t enough, as drugs were expensive. There was an occasion when I sold my new school blazer to get money for drugs. I told my mom that the blazer had been stolen at school and that the new one cost more. And just like that, she gave me the money without being aware of the fact that half of it would go for drugs. I knew she never dreamed that her son would be involved with drugs. Parents suspect other kids, but never their own.
After I had sold almost all my clothes for money, I decided after three days to go home. I still felt there was no one at home who loved me, but at least there would be food and a bed to sleep in. When I got home, I phoned Juan, but there was no reply. My mom justed lifted an eyebrow when she got home that evening and saw me. I had cleaned up myself and looked respectable. “ I’m back Mom! Gee it was a bad survival camp! The teachers were strict. Sorry Mom, I borrowed money from a friend.
A few of us went to buy food late at night. It was junk food, and not as nice as your food!” She accepted my flattery and without a word gave me the money. “Go and give it back at once.” she instructed.’ I am grateful that you are back. Your eyes are red, the sun must have got to you” My Mom was worried about me. Would that mean she loved me?
It was a good feeling. “Go on now,” she said. I went and bought drugs with the money, depending on what was available. There were new ones on the market, every now and again- with complete instructions. The next morning my Mom looked in at my room, before leaving for work. “ You okay?” she wanted to know.I just smiled and lifted my thumb. This little gesture touched me deeply. I decided to get help for my problem. I also had to show Juan that I was strong enough. Juan trusted me.
I realised with a shock that my old saying of that I was in complete control of my body and mind, had flown away. I was so trapped by the merciless claws of the depression and the drug thief, that I had no resistance. The drugs were my lifeline, it carried me through the depth of darkness, or rather that is what I thought. It had come into my life and instead of resisting it, I wanted to be important in the eyes of people. I wanted to be popular. It was my Mom’s little words” You okay?” that haunted me.
That night I confessed all. I told my Mom everything. I cried aloud and was broken-hearted. I feared that she would push me away.Instead, she put her arms around me and said” We must get help for you – today!” A taxi took me to the clinic for treatment the following day. I had to be back at school when it re-opened, even though I wasn’t completely dry. The people at the clinic were wonderful and did their best to make me feel special.
Deep inside, however,I did not feel like that. It was a great torment to live without my breathing- the withdrawal symptoms were hell, it was a fierce struggle to rebuild my life.. The road to recovery was endless, but I desperately wanted to leave the drugs, not just for me but for Juan. I was a hero in his eyes, even though I had looked upto him in the beginning. One of the workers of the clinic came to call me for the taxi- it was time to go home!I said goodbye and as I walked down the passage I heard the bloodcurdling screams of a newcomer…. Had I also screamed like that? I couldn’t judge the person because at such a time it felt as if one was dying. No words can really describe the suffering and the helplessness. I was now off the drugs, but I still had the depression.
It was the same taxi that was waiting for me, but I was amazed to see my Mom was in the taxi. My heart was so full of joy that I wondered if she could hear it beating!She got out to meet me and kissed me. We both sat in the back and started talking “ Mom, you didn’t perhaps hear anything from Juan?” I asked. “ I miss him” I couldn’t help adding. For a moment I saw confusion in her eyes and she took my hand. “ My boy” she said. I was inwardly thankful for her calling me her boy. “ I have bad news for you. Juan’s mom phoned yesterday;he died as a result of an overdose. He committed suicide. His funeral is tomorrow at eleven’o clock and she asked that you should come, you must be one of the pall bearers”
This hit me very hard. “ How could the Lord do this to me now? Especially now that I needed Him. In the clinic I had learnt to trust in God and now He has let me down . Juan was my only friend Come on Mom, answer me?!!”I said with a sob in my voice. She held my hand tightly and with a small handkerchief she wiped my tears away. I felt like jumping from the car and running blindly into the veld. I wanted to use “something” to escape this dreadful pain ! My Mom ‘s voice was soft: “You are going through deep waters today, but just trust in the Lord. He will carry you through” It became still in me. With such compassion my Mom and I had not spoken for years. I thought she had forgotten about the Lord.
A deathly quiet reigned in the church where the funeral goers were seated – the mortal remains lay in a silver steel casket. There was a cold silence in the church. The lid of the silver-coloured coffin had been removed and to one side stood Juan’s mother in a black dress. “ I am grateful that you have come, Juan always spoke about you- if you only knew how much” his mom told me with a broken heart. “ It was my fault that we lived separate lives.
I thought the large sums of money I gave him each month would compensate for his Dad and my absence and our crazy quest for pleasure It is my fault that my son is lying there today”
Like an automaton I moved forward to put my hand on her shoulder. “ Don’t ever say that again- it’s nobody’s fault” A wisp of a smile in her deep grief trembled on her lips. “ I hope all his friends are here today , so that they can see what drugs can do to a person” Only then did my eyes move to the body in the coffin; shock vibrated through me. So repugnant was this to me, that my legs wanted to give way from underneath me.
His deathly pale face, blue around the lips, told of a gruesome suffering. His face was distorted; even the calm of death could not change that. One by one his friends filed past the open coffin and the shock registered on each one’s face. This caused a self- reproach in me followed by an indescribable sadness. When my Mom and I eventually left for home, the atmosphere was completely different to the previous day.
Thank you for reading my story- this is an excerpt from my book: Overcoming ( Victory) This book is about how I walked the road of depression and overcame it.
The book is currently being revised and added to for a more intense in-depth book.
I invite you to comment on this story; it would be of great value to me. I look forward to hearing from you…..
Until then…
Hendrik Duvenage
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My Personal Heroin Addiction Story Hello everyone my name is Jordan and I would like to share with the the story of how i became addicted to Heroin.
Its 20th April 2010 I lay in my bed starring at the ceiling recovering from last nights heavy session on Ketamine only to hear a knock at the door its an ex-girlfriend and her family coming round to tell my i have a four month old son the shock, terror drilled through my body panic soon ensued thoughts racing through my mind until i came to the conclusion this could be the turning point in my life up until now I had spent most my life drinking, smoking weed, swallowing countless ecstasy pills, speed, cocaine, poppers, saliva now i finally had something to focus on I had a beautiful son.
little did i know this would all soon end in tear as the mother of my child comes from a dysfunctional family where sleeping around, fighting and arguing are the norm in everyday life and before I had a chance to even put my name on the birth certificate social services whisked my son away into care before i even had a chance to be a farther this is where my life took a massive downward spiral.
Before i knew it i was sitting round heroin addicts watching them inject their drug of choice while i sat on the sofa judging them while i smoked my joint of rather tasty weed little did i know that i would be in their situation before too long.
I would walk around daily holding the pain of losing a son i never got to know properly every day was filled with heart ache and i would have days when i would just brake down into tears feeling so helpless.
Then one day i took the jump and asked for my first hit this was the biggest mistake of my life as i watched the blood draw into the syringe and then the plunger being pushed watching the light brown mixture disappearing into my veins suddenly i felt the warm blanket being wrapped around me from head to toe all pain from losing my son slowly slipped away into the mist and i was left in a state of well-being and happiness.
As the days goes by my use continued and started to rise before I knew it 3 bags of heroin a day was just enough to keep those nasty withdrawals at bay.
Check out my heroin addiction blog documenting all the up's and down's in my current lifestyle123
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messed up hello people, this is my first post on a drugs forum, allthough i have been a herion addict for 20 years. i have successfully completed a methadone rip (several times) this is the first time thaat i have not had a saftey net of meth or subutex/suboxone to fall back on. i am a single dad to my little8 year old girl who in reality has saved my life. i am a full time student studying criminology and hope to do my masters in sociology, i am a marxist and politically motivated, however i just cant shake this monkey off my back, for the past month i have been hitting up spag bols, smack and crack in the same pin. im so scared of telling anyone in case they take my liyytle girl away from me as she is my world as i am hers. i just cant believe the posistion that i have put me and my faughter in and now i cant see a way out. any advice would be really appreciated
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RIP Amy Winehouse Maybe she should have gone to rehab after all
sad, as I think she was talented and had a grand voice,
and aged 27 - she has now joined the club along with all the rest - its the age they all have died at12
Download The Drug Users Bible Free Of Charge Here I am the author of The Drug Users Bible. This post constitutes notification that all 638 pages are now FREE to download as a PDF. To get your copy… please read this:
1. WHAT IS IT?
In a nutshell, it’s a harm reduction reference tome. From Amazon:
“Over a 12 year period the author of this book self-administered over 180 psychoactive substances; both chemicals and plants. For each he recorded the life-sensitive safety data, including the anticipated onset times, the common threshold doses, the routes of administration, and the expected duration of the experience. In addition, for every compound he also produced a trip report, detailing the qualitative experience itself. This delivered another invaluable insight, enabling, for example, an objective assessment of the extent of any loss of judgement and self-control.”
2. WHY IS IT NOW FREE?
It was written to make a difference: to get critical harm reduction and safety data into the hands of as many people as possible, whatever their drug of choice.
The starting point was that I’m old and I like to read my books on paper. Hence, I wrote it for paper and always visualised it as the real physical book it became. That’s how it has always been sold, and still is. I know it has already helped a significant number. HOWEVER, on paper it does cost $$$. I can’t change that, but what I can do, finally, is provide it for free as a PDF. So if you are happy with a non-paper version, and not too frustrated with this sort of navigation, you can now download it without charge.
You can have it on your phone, your PC, your laptop, or anywhere else you choose.
3. HOW YOU CAN HELP OTHERS
It really is vital that we make harm reduction information ubiquitous within our community. It really is ignorance that kills so many of us. We really really must do our best as a community to make safety practices second nature, and get the essential data to everyone who needs it. You can help with this project. Please do help.
If you are able, please download it and re-upload it to wherever is appropriate: to anywhere from which anyone who uses drugs may see it, and be able to download it themselves for free. Or alternatively just share the download link.
Ignorance kills, but I hope that some of you will help to save some of those lives. The portability of a PDF may help to at least put the idea of harm reduction on the agenda where it was previously overlooked.
4. WHERE CAN I GET IT?
The currently active download links via the major cloud networks are rotated on the following webpage: https://www.drugusersbible.com/2018/01/pdf.html
The physical book itself remains available via Amazon and most major online retailers.
5. FINALLY
Together, let’s try to make a difference. If you have any questions, at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.
=======================================
WHY IS IT A PDF AND NOT AN APP OR WEBSITE?
As above, it was written to reach as many consumers as possible, and ideally, to imbed a harm reduction check-point into the individual’s drug-usage process, whatever their drug of choice. But how to reach the consumer who is perhaps in a social setting and is short on time?
The answer for many will be via their mobile phones; and the provision of instant access to something the individual actually owns (the PDF). This sense of ownership is undoubtedly a factor in terms of motivation to reference.
Further, upon opening the PDF there is no requirement to search or to think or to work anything out. All that is needed is a swipe down to that drug of choice.
Note also that the book’s layout was specifically designed with this in mind: for each drug the essential data is at the top of the page, followed by a break in the form of a photograph, and then the ‘delve deeper’ in the form of text and detail.
For many, this is surely the most cogent scenario in terms of preventing tragedy. It’s possibly as simple as it gets. Alternatively, of course, the PDF can be used on a PC or laptop or wherever is required.
Bring ex-addicts on board to tackle drug deaths crisis, say experts It's sickening that the government which made this country's drug problem worse and roughly doubled the number of deaths per year with their NPS ban refuse to do anything to prevent these deaths. It wouldn't surprise me if the fuckers in government privately wish more drug users would die every year.
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2020/feb/25/glasgow-drugs-summits-highlight-contrast-in-uk-and-scottish-approaches12
Fentanyl Poisoning Please be careful, fentanyl is being added to everything. I thought my son Kyle was careful but I guess he wasn't and now he's gone. My life will never be the same.
My Son Kyle's Story
Songs about drugs and addiction I thought a thread containing all style of music about DRUGS, ADDICTION, REPRESSION,... would also show the changes over each generations.
The video clips and lyrics are even often a good prevention way showing the results of excess. :big-joint:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIv4rgme4-w
Impossible to find a clip of that awesome song, very rare!12…3132
why you should go to rehab center When it comes to drug and alcohol addiction, it’s difficult to be detached and accept you have a problem. If substance abuse is causing negative effects in your life, it’s time to take a look and come to terms with the fact that you might have an addiction. Once you can accept that, you’re already on the path to recovery. The next step is to decide how to get sober.
Addicts die with more frequency than the rest of the population. In fact, people die all the time because of substance abuse. Going to rehab allows you to relearn how to be yourself again, practice honesty, and rebuild trust. Many rehab facilities also offer family counseling, which can further help heal the damage caused by addiction.
Помощь зависимым в Киеве / Help for addicts in Kiev Я знаю, очень у многих людей есть близкие, друзья у которых есть проблемы с алкогольной или наркотической зависимостью. Наркологический Центр реабилитации наркозависимых Свобода в Киеве поможет вам . Я сам прошел Лечение в данном центре и с уверенностью могу сказать, это работает.
I know that very many people have relatives, friends who have problems with alcohol or drug addiction. Narcological Center for rehabilitation of drug addicts Freedom in Kiev will help you. I myself underwent treatment in this center and with confidence I can say it works.
Do I need rehab?! Hello. I'm new here and I think I'm in real trouble with coke weed and booze addiction and I'd like to understand how other people have got over this sort of addiction.
I can't stop doing coke. Iv done it for the last 5 days. I work in recruitment which is fairly stressful. Iv got to the stage where I'm doing weed every day,drinking over 60 units a week and everytime I get drunk get in some Charlie. It used to be just wid mates and now it's got to the stage where I'm doing it on my own. I'm not rely sleeping and I'm starting to think I need rehab... or am I over reacting?! I rely want to stop but I love the escapism.
Has anyone else been the same and if so how would you advise stopping? I'm thinking cocaine anonymous to start!!
Any advice very welcome... as I feel like I'm falling apart very quickly
:-(12
Treatment with Xanax Let's start from the beginning. My girlfriend is struggling with panic attacks, and her doctor prescribed her Xanax treatment. At first, it helped her. But now she needs a higher dose to get relief. And I'm afraid that in the near future she'll become dependent on Xanax. I have read a lot of info about such treatment and I know that a really large percentage of people who take Xanax become addicted to it. The last article I've read that tolerance increases, and with it the dose of the drug. This is a pattern. I do not know what to do to help her... maybe you have had the experience of such treatment... is there a more favorable alternative to Xanax?
UK : Govt finally abandon abstinence policies, shift more towards harm reduction Better than what went before; and already happening in my own town with the Police now referring less dangerous offenders to rehab treatment rather than only criminal penalties although something that should have happened years ago and will require proper funding to be effective..
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/jul/14/chemsex-drugs-former-legal-highs-targeted-home-office
Tramadol, Cure For Opiate Addiction? Tramadol is a non-opiate analgesic, a Codeine analogue. Read quite a few Erowid addiction reports saying that when taking them on opiate withdrawals it pretty much saved them from withdrawals and weaned them off ok.
Erowid Experience Vaults: Tramadol - A Good Withdrawal Treatment - 52274
Erowid Experience Vaults: Tramadol - The Withdrawal Savior - 56175
Erowid Experience Vaults: Tramadol - Relieved My Addiction to Heroin - 68439
Erowid Experience Vaults: Pharms - Tramadol - Freed Me from Opiate Addiction - 20691
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